


Seeing the Answers

by Mickey_99



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Child Abuse, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Iwaizumi Hajime is a Good Friend, M/M, Oblivious Oikawa Tooru, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Destruction, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, oikawa is stupid, purposeful overexercising
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:02:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 27,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25617787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99
Summary: Oikawa and Tobio are soulmates. But Oikawa rejected Tobio a long time ago. Oikawa feels pain in his heart whenever Tobio feels a strong emotion, he takes medication for it, but over all Oikawa just wants to finish rejecting Tobio completely. He happens upon information of how to break the bond and he decides to take action upon it. In the process he learns a lot, grows a lot, and regrets a lot.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Iwaizumi Hajime, Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Original Female Character/Original Female Character
Comments: 220
Kudos: 460





	1. Chapter 1

Oikawa tried not to doze off in his Philosophy class. A girl in his class was presenting her report on optimists vs pessimists. Oikawa didn’t care really; this was a stupid class. But he did need to pass said class, and there were going to be quizzes over each presentation. Oikawa internally groans and tunes back into the presentation that was being given.

“Optimism and pessimism both exist in human nature,” The girl states,” And if we look it is true that there are two kinds of people. But truly the best mindset to have is a tiny bit of both. Optimism is great, it gives you hope and the ability to see everything in life as a good opportunity. But optimists have a bad habit of keeping their eyes towards the sky and not seeing the things laying at their feet. Pessimists see the reality of a situation but over think the bad qualities of it. Sometimes in life we need to squint and see the bad things we would rather ignore. And other times we need to open our eyes to the light that shines above us.”

Oikawa almost wants to applaud the girl for how well she speaks, and how the words almost seem to come across like poetry. But Oikawa also wants to gag because this class was so boring it made him sick. He would much rather be playing volleyball. He can’t help it when he tunes out the rest of the presentation. He got the gist of it though, so he would still pass the quiz.

The bell rings and Oikawa picks his bag up and packs up his books.

“Oikawa-kun,” The teacher calls.

“Yes sensei?” Oikawa says stepping up to the teacher’s desk. Oikawa plasters the smile on his face that makes girls swoon over him.

“I will be putting you with Ashley for the next project,” The teacher says smiling kindly,” She just transferred here from America and is still struggling a bit with Japanese.”

“Who’s Ashley?” Oikawa asked confused, it was hard remembering all the students in his class.

“She was the one presenting,” The teacher says. Oikawa is surprised, her Japanese had seemed good enough. “She practiced the presentation a lot,” The teacher continues seeing Oikawa’s confused face.

Oikawa nods in understanding. Of course, she would have.

“Alright,” the teacher says smiling,” You can go to lunch now, just make sure you study for tomorrow’s quiz.”

Oikawa nods again and flashes another one of his smiles before leaving the room.

Oikawa tugs off his blazer and pulls up his sleeves when he gets to the roof where Iwaizumi was waiting for him.

“How was class?” Iwaizumi asks.

“Stupid as usual Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says smiling. “Just more dumb presentations about human nature, oh and I guess I am getting paired with that new foreign student.”

Oikawa wiggles his eyebrows teasingly and then dodges a blow Iwaizumi tried to send his way.

“You have a soulmate dumbass,” Iwaizumi grumbles,” How do you think Tobio would feel- “

“I rejected Tobio,” Oikawa growls,” Stop referring to him as my soulmate.”

Iwaizumi glares at Oikawa, but sighs, “And yet you still feel the pain whenever he feels intense emotion.”

“Pain is normal with incomplete bonds,” Oikawa says,” It’s why I take these Iwa-chan.”

Oikawa holds up his prescribed bond blockers from the doctor.

“You could just complete the bond you know,” Iwaizumi says going back to his food,” If you did that you would be able to differentiate between the emotions and it wouldn’t be just pain.”

“To do that I would have to have sex with him,” Oikawa says disgusted,” I don’t feel like doing that.”

Suddenly a new voice cuts in,” Did you reject your soulmate as well?” The voice asked. It was a student in second year. “Did you know if you complete the bond you can completely sever it afterwards?”

Oikawa gapes at them because he hadn’t known that information. “For real!? Oikawa shouts in surprise.

“Yeah,” The student says giving a thumbs up,” If you sleep with them once, you can rid yourself of the burden forever.

Iwaizumi went stiff beside Oikawa. “That’s wrong on so many levels,” Iwaizumi says angrily,” How could you just lead your soulmate around like that- “

“So, you don’t feel any of the pain anymore?” Oikawa asks, interested now more than ever at this turn of events.

“Nope,” The student say,” Sleep with them once, break the bond, and you are free.”

Iwaizumi growls and drags Oikawa away from the roof.

“YOU CAN’T SERIOUSLY BE CONSIDERING THIS TOORU!?” Iwaizumi says seeing Oikawa thinking heavily.

“Of course, I am,” Oikawa says seriously. “The medicine is annoying, and it makes my reactions slower.”

Iwaizumi flinches back away from Oikawa.

“You would do that to Kageyama?” Iwaizumi asks angrily. Iwaizumi’s fists bunch up beside himself. “You would lead him around like that? Just so you could play volleyball at your full potential?”

“Well yes.” Oikawa says,” Besides its not like Kageyama would care. He doesn’t think of anything besides volleyball.”

“This is wrong Tooru,” Iwaizumi says,” You will regret this if you do it.”

“How would you know what I will and won’t regret?” Oikawa asks angrily.

“I know because fate paired- “

“Fate made a goddamn mistake!” Oikawa says angrily.

Oikawa didn’t want Tobio. A person who didn’t even have to work for what he had. Seeing Tobio’s face alone made Oikawa want to punch a brick wall.

Iwaizumi swallows as he looks at his best friend’s face,” Do what you want,” Iwaizumi says shoving Oikawa away,” But I refuse to be a part in something that could destroy Kageyama completely.”

Iwaizumi stormed off down the hall in a flurry of motion, walking fast.

“God,” Oikawa groans,” So irritating. It’s just one night of sex. I don’t see the big deal.”

Oikawa eats the rest of his lunch where Iwaizumi had left him only moments ago. But while he ate, he made a plan.

It looks like he would be visiting Karasuno after school today.

<https://discord.gg/7CcCehy>


	2. Chapter 2

“Great King!” Oikawa hears Chibi-chan’s voice before he sees the small middle blocker. The ginger is walking beside his target person.

“Tobio-chan!” Oikawa says plastering a fake grin on his face and waving. Oikawa walks straight past the ginger and right up to Tobio. “I need you to come with me.”

Tobio stares at Oikawa with wide eyes and looks ready to protest, so Oikawa takes a hold of the boy’s hand and yanks him away from the school.

“W-wait,” Tobio yelps pulling his arm away before cradling it with his other arm. “What do you want Oikawa-san?”

Oikawa watches as Tobio shuffles his feet. It was _cute_.

Oikawa shakes the thought from his head, because Tobio was most decidedly not cute.

“It’s your lucky day Tobio-chan!” Oikawa says smiling his fakest smile,” You get to sleep with me.”

Oikawa makes a grab for Tobio’s arm again, but Tobio stumbles backwards several paces. Oikawa looks at the wide-eyed expression Tobio holds.

“That’s not how this works Oikawa-san,” Tobio says angrily,” You can’t just reject me for three years and then suddenly want to sleep with me.”

Tobio takes yet another step back as Oikawa takes one forward. Oikawa ignores the pang it makes him feel to be rejected by Tobio. Afterall he never gets rejected so it’s probably just surprise he is feeling, not sadness.

Oikawa searches his brain for a solution, but only comes up with one. Lying.

“Tobio,” Oikawa says trying to sound serious,” I am really sorry about rejecting you, but I have done a lot of soul searching recently. And I want to try again with you. I want… to be your soulmate. So, I want to complete the bond.”

Oikawa makes a grab for Tobio’s hand again. But yet again Tobio yanks it back. And now Oikawa is just feeling frustrated. Tobio is being stubborn.

Oikawa is tired of the constant pain in his chest, and he most definitely is not gay for Tobio. So, this is the best option out of all of them.

“You can’t just expect me to be ready for that Oikawa-san,” Tobio almost sounds panicked. And it is enough to throw Oikawa off the tiniest bit.

Oikawa looks at Tobio. Maybe it had been a bit cruel to expect this to go so quickly.

“How about some dates then,” Oikawa says. And Kageyama’s eyes go comically wide.

“What?”

“Go on dates with me,” Oikawa says smiling, yet another fake smile. “And when you are ready, we can complete the bond.”

Kageyama stares at Oikawa for a long while, doubt shining in his eyes.

“Why do you want to?” Kageyama asked.

Oikawa freezes, unsure about what to say.

“I want to fully bond with you,” Oikawa says.

“But why?”

“I just do,” Oikawa says,” I’ve done a lot of thinking and- “

“You’re lying,” Kageyama says.

“Look,” Oikawa says back, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice,” You don’t have to do it. All I am saying is that I want to. At least go on some dates with me.”

Oikawa felt dirty, lying through his teeth like he was. But what choice did he have. He couldn’t love Tobio. A rival setter. An annoying underclassman. A _boy._ And the pain in his chest hurt. He was tired of taking pills to ward it off. The pills mad Oikawa sluggish and tired during classes. But he couldn’t actually love Tobio. His dad had-

Oikawa’s dad had left because he had had a boys name written on his wrist. And maybe if Oikawa got rid of it completely, his dad would come back.

But as much as that train of thought spurred him forward, Tobio’s hopeful eyes made Oikawa’s gut clench in guilt and sorrow. But this was how it _had_ to be. This is what _had_ to happen. Oikawa didn’t love Tobio. He couldn’t. He wasn’t _gay_.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot,” Kageyama says looking at his feet nervously. “But I really have to go home now.”

“I’ll walk you!” Oikawa says surprising even himself. But he resolved it was a good plan; a way to move things along even faster.

Kageyama hesitates, but ultimately nods sending Oikawa’s heart soaring.

Oikawa stamps it back down because he can’t be happy about this. He is only acting. This is only for convivence. Nothing more.

“So, I finally get to see Tobio-chan’s perfect life,” Oikawa says, before wincing. It was hard not to fall into the habit of insulting Tobio.

Tobio flinches at Oikawa’s words slightly.

“Yeah,” Kageyama says quietly before picking at his fingernails,” I guess you do.”

Oikawa frowns as he watches Kageyama pick at the skin around his nails.

“You shouldn’t do that,” Oikawa says pointing at Kageyama’s hands,” You are a setter. Your hands are important.”

Kageyama stops immediately,” I don’t even notice that I am doing it half the time.” Kageyama mutters.

“Nervous tick?” Oikawa asks curiously. Oikawa doesn’t remember Kageyama having one in middle school.

“Guess you could say that,” Kageyama says softly.

Oikawa could swear that Kageyama seems to be slowing down more and more with every step towards his house. But Oikawa just chalks it up to Kageyama being tired from practice.

“Shit,” Kageyama says suddenly,” I forgot to go to the store.”

Oikawa shrugs,” We can just go now, its not that far back.”

Kageyama bites his lip before nodding,” Yeah,” Kageyama says breathing out,” I just wanted to avoid getting home late today.”

“I am sure your parents will understand,” Oikawa scoffed.

The store wasn’t too far back. And Kageyama got the things he needed quickly. But as they were walking out of the store someone ran into Kageyama with their bike before continuing on.

“Shit,” Oikawa says helping Tobio up,” Are you okay?”

“I’ve had worse,” Kageyama says standing up and picking up the stuff that went flying. Oikawa felt something cold settle inside his stomach at the way Kageyama said those words. But he brushed it off.

“I really should be going,” Kageyama says quickly. “Thank you for your help.”

Kageyama leaves the store in a flurry of motion.

And Oikawa is left in thought.

_I don’t love him._


	3. Chapter 3

Oikawa flinches back away from the blow that comes from his dad, but the hit still lands. Oikawa lands hard on the ground and feels it sinking and morphing below him.

“NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TO BE GAY!”

Gunfire. Blood. Cops. Sirens.

Oikawa stands back up on shaky legs and watches as the cops cover his mother with a sheet. Oikawa can feel the throbbing in his face. His knee is screaming at him to stand down in his mission to go to her. But he ignores it. His mother is dead because of him. If he can just get to her. If he can just…

The floor caves underneath of him again and he falls screaming straight in front of his father.

“I’ll teach you not to be gay,” His father says raising the belt in his hand into the air. And right before the buckle hits, Oikawa bolts up in bed in a cold sweat.

His breathing is ragged, and tears stream down his face.

“I’m not gay,” Oikawa says bringing his knees to his chest,” I’m not gay.”

Maybe having sex with Tobio wasn’t a good idea. Maybe doing this wasn’t a good plan.

Oikawa shakes his head furiously. No. The nightmares were nothing new. This was the best option for him. He wasn’t gay. He can’t be gay. Being _gay_ was wrong and vile and-

“Tooru,” Oikawa hears his sister call his name,” Are you okay? I heard a scream.”

“I’m fine,” Oikawa says flopping backwards onto the bed again. He winces as the sweat makes his clothing stick to his body. “Just a nightmare.”

“Another one?” His sister asks,” Have you been taking your medicine. You know the soulmate pain triggers bad things for you- “

“I realize that,” Oikawa says frustrated.

“You know I think you should just try to be with your soulmate- “

“If I do that,” Oikawa says,” Dad won’t come back.”

“Dad isn’t coming back Tooru,” His sister says,” And I hope he never does. You should stop hoping for things- “

“He only hit me because I was ‘gay’,” Oikawa says facing the wall,” If I’m not gay he will love me again. Just like he used to.”

“Tooru that isn’t- “

“Leave me alone,” Oikawa says numbly,” I can handle it okay.”

“We can always get you a- “

“I don’t need a therapist,” Oikawa says getting agitated,” Now please just leave.”

Oikawa hears his sister sigh right before the door clicks shut.

Oikawa curls into himself as soon as the door clicks shut.

“I’m not allowed to be gay,” He mumbles to himself,” I’m not gay.”

Oikawa stays awake until his alarm goes off, and then he pulls himself out of bed painfully. There was nothing wrong, but sometimes he swears he can still feel the broken bones and belt lashes. But none of them were there. There were no injuries except for the occasional volleyball bruise and of course his bad knee.

“Shittykawa!” Oikawa hears Iwaizumi’s voice yell from downstairs,” How long do you plan to make me wait?”

Oikawa pulls on his clothes and quickly grabs his bag before sprinting down the stairs to meet Iwaizumi.

“Not long at all Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says smiling another fake smile.

Iwaizumi levels him with a glare before sighing,” Whatever,” Iwaizumi says,” Now come on we are going to be late.”

The two of them walk to school together in silence. Oikawa suspects that Iwaizumi was still angry about Oikawa’s decision to sleep with Tobio. But Oikawa didn’t care. It’s not like Iwaizumi knew Oikawa’s real reasons. It’s not like Iwaizumi could understand a damn bit of it. The medicine made Oikawa feel sick. And the phantom pain in his chest was a constant reminder of everything that Oikawa’s father hated about him. This was the best plan that had fallen into Oikawa’s lap in quite some time. Damn everyone else if they wouldn’t even try to see it from his view.

A part of Oikawa screamed at him to stop what he was doing before he ruined things further. But the nightmares he had every night, spurred him forth.

Eventually the two made it to school and parted ways, Oikawa went to his classroom.

The day passed in a blur. Oikawa’s head hurt immensely. He had taken the medicine that morning due to the nightmare he had had. But he was already regretting his decision.

He was barely able to concentrate, and by the time philosophy class rolled around his head was screaming.

“Hey,” a voice said snapping Oikawa out of his focus on the pain,” I think we are partners.”

The Japanese was shaky but still very good all things considered.

“You’re Ashley, right?” Oikawa asks trying to make sure he got the name correct.

Ashley nods. “Yeah,” she says simply before taking a seat. “We are supposed to do our topic on some kind of controversy of some sort.”

Oikawa nods and massages his head a bit, because, damn, thinking hurt right now.

“I was thinking we should do it on soulmates and science. You know, like the argument of rather or not we should pick at the idea of soulmate’s scientifically or not. Like I personally believe you shouldn’t block a soulmate bond with medicine.

Oikawa gives a sigh, because of course she would be someone who hated the modern medicines to block a soulmate bond. But ultimately, he shrugs, “Sure,” Oikawa says shrugging, “Sounds fun.”

Oikawa’s head is hurting too much to actually add anything to the conversation.

“Cool give me your number,” Ashley says plainly.

Oikawa reaches to give her his number but is surprised when she grabs his arm. Her eyes were trained upon the faded soulmate mark.

“You rejected your soulmate?” Ashley ask confused.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Oikawa spits out angrily.

Ashley throws he hands up in surrender. “I was just curious.” Ashley says,

Oikawa stares for a moment,” Can we just get started on the project?”

“Yeah okay,” Ashely says,” I don’t want to be here all night.


	4. Chapter 4

Ashley and Oikawa ended up meeting after his volleyball practice. And they did end up being there all night.

Oikawa slammed his head on the desk and groaned.

"Just wanna go home!" Oikawa groaned.

"Just read the book," Ashley responded annoyed," I don't want to be here any more than you do." 

Oikawa groaned again, burying his face into his arms. Ashley had taken Oikawa back to her apartment after the library closed. The two had checked out close to 56 books on different aspects of a soul bond.

"We aren't going to find anything to support your theory," Oikawa says irritated," Most of the modern world is actually okay with the idea of scientific intervention. You're the weird one here."

The last bit was mumbled under his breath. Oikawa had known Ashley for less than a day, but he had already figured out that she was a female version of Iwa-chan. Though Oikawa would go so far as to say she was more mean. 

It became apparent that she had heard him when a book flew at his head.

"I'm not weird for my thinking," Ashley says angrilly," I don't completely disagree with the idea of rejecting a soulmate. It just gets abused. So many people take one look and decide that they don't want to give their soulmate a chance. And the idea that you can choose your soulmates gender is flawed logic that resides right beside what we are arguing. So shut up and read."

Oikawa grumbles unhappily, rubbing his now sore head. He pretends to go back to his book, but instead he looks around at his surroundings. The walls were bare and there were no photographs in the house except for one. Though the picture was located in a dark corner, so Oikawa couldn't make it out. And Oikawa wasn't about to try Ashley's patience with snooping.

"Where are your parents?" Oikawa asks. Okay... maybe he would snoop a little.

"Dead." The answer was short and terse. No emotion was put behind it, and Ashley continued on reading her book like the question had never even been posed.

"You live here by yourself?"

"I'm 18," again the question was quickly answered and then brushed off.

"Not exactly a talker," Oikawa mumbled under his breath before laying back and lounging.

"No," Ashley says finally looking up and smiling a fake smile," I much prefer working and getting my job done."

"That's not how you make friends," Oikawa responds, trying to push buttons. 

Ashley sighs heavily. Reaching the 'thoroughly done with your bullshit' phase. And Oikawa smirks happily as if he'd just won the grand prize.

"What do you want to know?" Ashley asks, raising an eyebrow at Oikawa. Then she holds up a hand," With the knowledge that I get to ask you questions as well, and that we get to work as soon as we are done playing 20 questions."

Oikawa huffed. He had been hoping she would just throw him out so he had an excuse to leave. But the girl was a female Iwa-chan, and obviously didn't play Oikawa's games the way he had hoped.

But he supposed he could work with satisfaction to his curiosity.

"How did your parents die?"

"Car crash," Ashley responded, not missing a beat.

Oikawa winced. Feeling slightly bad for bringing it up, "Sorry."

"Don't be," Ashley sighed," Both were straight up bastards. Meant for each other, but not meant for anyone else."

Oikawa still grimaced slightly. But he schooled his face quickly.

"Any siblings?" Oikawa asked.

"One," Ashley responds," But he's dead too." 

"How?"

This time Ashley looked more pained," Suicide." 

Oikawa fidgeted uncomfortably. He wasn't particularly good at the hard and heavy conversations.

"Sorry to hear that," Oikawa says. "I'm sure he was a good guy."

"He was," Ashley responded," He made mistakes, but he was a good guy."

They lapsed into a silence, almost as if they were each sending up respects. And Oikawa tried to think of a nicer question to ask.

"Have you found your soulmate yet?" Oikawa asked with a teasing smirk," Bet he's going to have to be one hell of a guy to keep up with you."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Ashley glares.

Oikawa throws his hands up in surrender. "I just mean that you are a hardworker and that he's going to have to be pretty hardworking himself to keep up."

Ashley relaxes a bit, "She's," Ashley mumbles.

Oikawa glances at her," What?"

Ashley rolls her eyes, "She is going to have to be very hardworking. I was correcting you. I am a lesbian."

Oikawa's eyes shoot up, "You don't seem like a lesbian."

Ashley glares at him again before responding sarcastically, "Oh I'm sorry. Would you like me to wear all rainbow, dye my hair blue, and wear my rainbow strap-on. I've been told that makes me look pretty gay."

Oikawa's mouth drops open in shock. 

"Close your mouth you look like a fish, you Himbo." Ashley glares at Oikawa.

"Where did you learn to say things like that?" Oikawa asks, feeling scandalized.

"You pick up a good retort or two when dealing with a constant flow of stupidity."

"People not nice about being gay where you're from?" Oikawa asks.

"People aren't nice about anything, anywhere unless it benefits them."

They lapse into another silence and Oikawa sighs.

"Why did you reject your soulmate?" Ashley asks.

At first Oikawa's body tenses. But slowly he relaxes, plastering a smile on his face.

"He's Mr. Fucking Perfect," Oikawa groans," Everything he has is handed to him, nice and easy on a silver platter. He's awkward and he thinks he's better than anyone else."

"So you went on dates with him and found you didn't fit?" Ashley says thoughtfully.

Oikawa paused before saying his next line," No. We didn't go on any dates."

"But you at least got to know the guy, right?"

Oikawa's mind stammered about. "N-no. I mean yeah. I played volleyball with him."

"So you rejected him without even getting to know him," Ashley sounded like Oikawa had personally kicked her puppy. It pissed him off terribly. 

"You know nothing about me," Oikawa glares at the girl sitting in front of him.

"I know enough to know that you are extremely arrogant and cold." Ashley says coldly," You would be the one to simply toss your soulmate aside upon first glance."

"Be quiet- "

"Do you know how incredibly stupid that is?"

"Shut up- "

"Do you know how harmful that is?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Do you have any idea how much pain he's in?"

"I'm sure he got the medication," Oikawa says glaring.

"Not everyone can afford that," Ashley yells.

"I don't care!" 

Ashley reels back as if she had been slapped. And there is a moment of silence, "They were right," she chuckles, "You are a pretty boy. But you don't care about anyone but yourself."

"Watch your mouth- "

"Do you think it hasn't been circulating?" Ashley asks bitterly.

"What?"

"Your plan to snap your soulmate bond. Do you even know what that means?" 

"Does it matter?"

"OF COURSE IT DOES!" Ashley shouts angrily. "The whole reason the bond breaks is because you break your soulmate's heart so bad they can't hold onto the bond anymore. 90% of them end with one or both dying from suicide."

If Oikawa had been thinking straight, he would have connected the dots. He might have diffused the situation. But he was pissed off, and he missed the glaringly obvious elephant in the room. 

"I don't care." Oikawa glares at her vehemently," I want to live my life. Have a wife and kids. Play volleyball. And get old. I want to live a normal straight life style. Just like how my dad taught me."

Ashley glares. "So you'd kill your soulmate just so you didn't have to say you were gay."

Oikawa glares at her," He's not going to die. You're probably just crazy."

Oikawa grabs his bag and storms out the front door.

"My brother did," Ashley says in sadness. And for a brief moment Oikawa paused, because an image of Tobio dead on the ground flashed through his mind. The image caused a brief moment of pain in his chest. But Oikawa pushed it down. Qnd instead he allowed his anger to surge forward as he slammed the door behind him, and stormed off to his car.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up from here on out. As you get further into the story, more and more is being revealed about both situations. So read each chapter with caution. Basically TW for all chapters.

Oikawa was purposefully avoiding Ashley. In hindsight, he was probably acting like a bit of a child. And he had definitely overstepped with some of what he said and did. But he just didn’t want to deal with one more person nagging him about his decisions. Oikawa was legally an adult; he could make his own choices.

Oikawa sighs heavily and looks at his surroundings. It was a Sunday, so he didn’t have school, and he had given the team the day off. So, his entire day was free, and he made the decision to go for a nice long run.

And now he was in an area he didn’t recognize.

“Oikawa-san?” The familiar voice appeared from behind him, and Oikawa spun around to see Kageyama standing there.

“Tobio-chan!” Oikawa says smiling. It’s the smile he gives all his fangirls when they fawn over him.

“What are you doing here?” Kageyama asks, his brows furrowed. It almost made him look cute.

_Not cute, Oikawa corrected himself, I’m not gay._

“I was looking for you,” Oikawa lies,” I never got your phone number last time, and I was hoping we could go on a date today.”

Might as well. Oikawa had nothing else to do that day, might as well progress with his plan.

Kageyama shuffled his feet a bit,” I can’t,” The boy says nervously,” I have to clean my house. My dad is out of town, and he told me to have it clean by the time he gets back tomorrow. I’ve got a lot to do.”

Oikawa’s eyes finally fall to the bag in Kageyama’s hand. It was full of cleaning supplies. And not only that, but it almost seemed as if Kageyama as having trouble standing. The boy’s entire form was shaky. Oikawa’s observant eyes could see the way that Tobio’s knees shook ever so slightly, and the tremble to Kageyama’s hands. And as Oikawa looked closer, he could see bruises on Kageyama’s wrists barely visible due to the boy’s long sleeves.

Oikawa reached out without thinking and grabbed the hand that wasn’t holding the bag. Oikawa’s thumb traced over the bruises.

“What happened?” Oikawa shocked himself with the question. Not understanding the sudden need to know or care.

There was a moment of silence, and just as Oikawa looked up to see Kageyama’s face the silence ended.

“Some kids from school,” Kageyama says,” I’m not exactly popular like you.”

Oikawa bristled and felt a surge of protectiveness that he instantly stamped down. “You should talk to someone about that,” Oikawa says letting Kageyama’s arm fall back to his side,” A teacher or something.”

“I did.” Kageyama responds quietly, and somehow Oikawa feels all at once like he wasn’t getting the full story. He pushes the feeling away yet again.” Coach is doing something about it.” Kageyama shifts and a pained grimace crosses his face.

Oikawa gives Kageyama another look, before sighing. “How about a cleaning date then?”

Kageyama’s eyes shoot open in surprise,” You don’t have to!”

Oikawa shrugs,” It could be fun,” Oikawa smirks. “You and me. Alone. Music. Bending over.” Oikawa allows his voice to sink into a teasing playful one he uses with girls.

Kageyama’s face flushes and his eyes go down to his feet, “I… I suppose that might be nice.”

Oikawa grins,” Great! Lead the way Tobio-chan.”

Tobio nods nervously before leading the way back to his house. When they finally got there, Kageyama moved forward to open the door with shaking hands. Several times Kageyama drops the keys.

“Want me to get it?” Oikawa asks after watching Kageyama fumble for a while.

“N-no,” Kageyama says before finally getting the door open,” I got it.”

The door swung open and Oikawa was instantly coughing and sneezing as dust stirred from the floor. Kageyama blushed sheepishly.

“Sorry,” Kageyama says,” Dusting is on the to-do list.”

The house was an absolute mess. Pizza boxes were piled onto tables. Dishes were overflowing in the sink. Bottles upon bottles of beer and wine were scattered about, and the whole house reeked of death. If not for the dust layering every shelf, Oikawa would assume Kageyama had thrown a party. Though the house didn’t look any good for a party. The curtains were drawn causing the flickering and cobweb covered lights to be so much more prevalent.

“Jesus,” Oikawa mumbles under his breath,” Talk about a fixer upper.”

He almost regrets his words when Kageyama flinches next to him, but then Kageyama shrugs.

“Guess we’d better get to fixing then.”

They spent hours cleaning up the house, Oikawa worked diligently on throwing away the alcohol bottles that littered the area. Kageyama scrubbed vigorously at the plates that were in the sink.

“What does your dad do?” Oikawa asks as he picks up another pizza box with a grimace.

“He sells cars,” Kageyama mutters.

“Doesn’t sound like a traveling job,” Oikawa responds.

“It isn’t,” Kageyama picks up another dish,” He said he needed some time away.”

“Where’s your mom?” Oikawa asked.

“She got sick my final year of middle school,” Kageyama says quietly,” She died right before that last game.”

Oikawa paused in picking up a half-full wine bottle to glance over at Kageyama. The younger setter had finished the dishes and was gripping the counter with a white knuckled grip. A grip so tight it had to be painful.

Oikawa had never known any of this. Had never thought that maybe Kageyama had been going through something in middle school; had never thought that maybe Kageyama’s kingly escapades were as a result of something deeper. The knowledge hurt. It pained Oikawa to hear that Kageyama was hurting. And it surprised Oikawa that seeing Kageyama gripping tightly to the counter hurt him too.

Oikawa grabbed the bottle that was half full and walked over to the sink to dump it out. But once he was there, he allowed his free hand to come up and rest on Tobio’s shoulder.

“Sorry, I didn’t know,” Oikawa says.

Oikawa hears a sniffle, and he glances to see that Kageyama was crying. “Didn’t want anyone to know,” Kageyama says with a bitter laugh,” Wanted to be strong on my own.”

“People aren’t made to be strong on their own,” Oikawa says,” That’s why therapy exists.”

“Have you ever been to therapy?” Kageyama asks, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” Oikawa responds,” My sister want’s me to go though. Said she would pay for it.”

Kageyama nods,” That’s nice. You should. Not everyone gets an offer like that. You’re lucky to have your sister.”

Oikawa felt like there was more to the statement, but he kept his mouth shut. Somehow, he felt like that road would lead to an argument.

“Let’s finish up the house, and then we can eat and watch a movie,” Oikawa says, somewhat determined to make the situation feel like more of a date.

The two got to work cleaning up the rest of the mess, dusting, sweeping, and vacuuming the house.

“Where are your lightbulbs?” Oikawa asked when they were close to finishing.

Kageyama poked his head out of the shower he was cleaning. “Their in the closet upstairs.”

Oikawa nodded and started up the stairs. The first room was absolutely disgusting, and it had a double bed. The whole room had a stale sex smell to it. Oikawa shut the room without turning on the light before moving to the next door. It was empty, probably a guest room.

The next room shocked Oikawa. It was obviously Kageyama’s room, volleyball equipment was in the corner. But it was otherwise bare. And it was so clean that it could probably pass a military inspection. The closet was arranged perfectly and under the bed was numerous boxes of bandages and first aid kits. But the room was perfectly clean. And far too bare. Not even a single volleyball poster in the room. Not even a book outside of a textbook. And the only thing other than clothes, a desk, a bed, and some journals, was Kageyama’s volleyball equipment. It made a sick feeling settle in Oikawa’s stomach. He shut the door quietly and went to the last door in the hall, which was thankfully the closet.

After changing the lightbulbs, Oikawa clapped his hands loudly, causing Kageyama to flinch.

“Okay food time!” Oikawa says,” What have you got?”

Kageyama shuffles nervously,” I don’t have anything.” The younger looks at his feet nervously.

“What have you been eating?” Oikawa asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

“I… uh… I sometimes get a meat bun after practice… But I’ve just been… not.” Kageyama’s response is quiet.

Oikawa’s heart drops,” Did your dad not leave you with any money for food?”

Kageyama shakes his head. And the sick feeling appears in Oikawa’s stomach again. He ignores it.

“We can order pizza,” Oikawa says,” I’ll pay.”

Kageyama turns to look away from Oikawa. “Oikawa-san don’t waste your money- “

Oikawa turned Kageyama to face him again and put a hand on his cheek to keep the younger from avoiding eye contact. “Feeding you isn’t a waste!” Oikawa surprises himself with the power he put behind the statement. He surprised himself by even stating the statement. And apparently, he surprised Kageyama as well.

Kageyama stared at Oikawa in shock, and Oikawa’s stomach gave a painful twist.

_Who gave him the idea that someone looking out for him would be a waste?_

But yet again Oikawa shook it from his head. His mind instead fell to the way Kageyama’s face fit so perfectly into his hand. And how he really could get used to the feeling. A thumb brushed over Kageyama’s lips, and Oikawa became overrun with the idea of wanting to kiss him.

But then in the back of his mind Oikawa heard the clang of a belt buckle, the shot of a gun, the phantom pain in his back. And Oikawa withdrew his hand quickly, “I’ll call the pizza place.”

_I’m not gay._ Oikawa thought withdrawing his phone from his pocket. _I’m not gay_.

_Please don’t hurt me. I’m not gay._


	6. Chapter 6

“What made you finally agree to this?” Mina asked curiously. Both waiting patiently for Oikawa’s new therapist to make an appearance.

Oikawa stared at a sports magazine, trying not to think about the fact that there was far too many people in the waiting room. One girl was having an anxiety attack, and just hearing it was making Oikawa’s own breath stutter.

“Someone I know said I was lucky to have a sister who was willing to pay for it,” Oikawa responds,” I guess it doesn’t hurt to try it. I know people probably have it worse than me, and they don’t have someone to pay for their therapy.”

His sister nods,” I’m just glad you agreed to try it. It helped me.”

Oikawa nods, though still skeptical.

“Oikawa Tooru!” Oikawa heard his name called over all the other noise in the room, and he glanced up to see an incredibly young woman standing there.

Oikawa gets up and walks over, hoping if he walks slow enough maybe he will run the session time down to completion. But he reaches the door eventually anyways, and the girl smiles happily.

“I’m Niko,” The girl sticks out her hand, and Oikawa clumsily takes it. His palms sweating nervously. He curses himself internally. He lives everyday being approached by girl after girl, but one petite young therapist throws him off his game.

Could you blame him though, the elevator ride up alone felt like an attack on his emotional defense system. A personal one at that.

“I’m Tooru,” Oikawa says nervously, before wanting to smack himself. Of course, she knew his damn name. She had it on her clipboard.

The girl doesn’t even question it though. “Nervous?” She asks with a grin.

Oikawa quickly finds he can’t even lie,” Yeah.”

_Witchcraft_. The thought passes his mind quickly.

“Don’t be,” Niko responds,” Today, I am the one in the hot seat. You get to ask me questions today and get to know me. Then next time it will be all about you.”

Oikawa relaxes a bit after finding out he wasn’t the one on trial.

Niko leads Oikawa through the whitewashed hallways back to a room with a sliding door. There was a white noisemaker outside the door. And the noisemaker gave Oikawa some amount of comfort over the privacy.

Niko sits in a rolling chair and spins a few times in it before stopping abruptly and staring at Oikawa with a large grin.

“Have to stop every now and then and let myself be a kid, sorry,” Niko says smiling. Her face gives little in the way of apology, but Oikawa doesn’t mind all that much. In fact, the girl’s easy-going attitude made him feel more relaxed.

“You look young to be a therapist,” Oikawa says raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, I am for sure,” Niko says. She picks her legs up off the floor and sits crisscross apple sauce in her chair. “I skipped grades and finished college early. I am the youngest therapist in the building at the age of 21.”

“So, you are pretty smart,” Oikawa asks smirking,” That’s what you’re telling me?”

Niko grins before uncrossing her legs and using her feet to wheel over to Oikawa,” I am a goddamn genius. But don’t tell my competition.”

Niko winks before pushing off with her feet to wheel back across to her own desk.

“Now before I get started,” Niko says smiling,” Let me just ask the standard questions I always have to ask. Any suicidal thoughts?”

“No.”

“Homicidal?”

“Does wanting to murder a teammate over a prank count?”

“Probably, but we don’t need to say it,” Niko smirks recognizing Oikawa’s joke,” Any voices?”

“Nope.”

“Seeing things that aren’t there?”

Oikawa silently contemplates the question, “Does seeing injuries that don’t exist anymore count?”

“Like how?” Niko asks typing in Oikawa’s previous answer.

“Like sometimes I think I can see, or feel past injuries,” Oikawa says,” I know it’s stupid.”

“Nothing is stupid here,” Niko says smiling,” And actually that is normal. I have people who claim that phenomena all the time. It happens especially in people with PTSD.”

Oikawa frowns,” I don’t have PTSD.”

Niko glances at him,” Never said you did bud. But how about we keep our mind open to all options. Not even I would be able to diagnose myself accurately 100% of the time.”

Oikawa thinks for a moment, before nodding. He had agreed to try this. He was at least going to give it an honest go.

“Paranoia?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Any need to harm yourself or others?”

“No.”

“Great!” Niko says spinning the chair again,” Let’s get started. Ask me anything.”

Oikawa goes silent, unsure of where to start. His mind flicks to Kageyama, many of his thoughts had been drifting there the past few days much to his dismay.

“Have you found your soulmate yet?” Oikawa asks.

Niko grins mischievously,” Jumping right into the juicy questions I see.”

Oikawa sputters to apologize but Niko holds up her hand.

“I’m just messing with you!” Niko says with a laugh,” Yes, I have found her. It was last month at a coffee shop. The girl had just moved here from America. She is super badass and speaks her mind. Bit of a sharp tongue if you ask me, but also a perfect fit.”

Oikawa nods slightly, “Do you live with her?”

“Oh, heavens no,” Niko laughs,” She is 18 and still finishing her last year of high school. I told her we could move in together when she figures out college.”

“You would move anywhere to be with her?” Oikawa asks.

“I would drop the world for her,” Niko responds,” It’s only been a month. But I really don’t see a future with anyone else. So, I’m willing to drop everything and move, even if that be to America.”

“Why?”

“Well wouldn’t you do that for your soulmate?”

“I rejected my soulmate.”

“Why?” Niko stops spinning to stare at Oikawa.

“I’m not gay.” Oikawa responds. Waiting for the inevitable yelling and shouting. But it never came. Niko’s face showed no judgement at all. And her face still held a small smile, although it was more subdued. She was _listening_ to him and his reasons.

“You’ve never been attracted to guys?” Niko asks.

“No… I mean yes… I was… but I’m not anymore,” Oikawa says.

“Oh,” Niko says,” How’d you go about managing that?”

Oikawa’s voice fails him for a moment, and he doesn’t understand why. Why did the words seem so difficult to get out? There was nothing wrong with the words he was saying. So why did they feel so wrong?

“My dad… he fixed me,” Oikawa’s mouth felt dry as he spoke the words. And again, his mind searched for why it felt so wrong to say them. But yet at the same time, the words felt right. It made Oikawa’s head hurt.

“What did he need to fix?”

Oikawa’s head swam again. It felt like words were fighting against a wall. The words ‘I don’t know’ were on the tip of his tongue, but something wouldn’t let him say it. He swallowed the words again and instead said the one’s that came so much easier.

“The fact that I was gay.”

“Do you not think being gay is okay?”

“No,” Oikawa says quickly because he didn’t think being gay was bad. He had plenty of gay friends.

“So, what was there to fix?” Niko asked.

Oikawa was silent and his head was pounding. His mouth dry.

_No, I needed to be fixed._

_Why else would he hurt me._

_Why else would he have done any of that_.

Oikawa stares at the floor, feeling a wave of emotion hit him all at once. And he briefly heard Niko’s rolling chair growing closer.

“Hey,” Niko says gently,” It’s alright. If it hurts to connect something, we can do it slowly.”

Oikawa feels his breath even out. He hadn’t even noticed it speeding up in the first place. Niko’s voice brought a semblance of calm into his world suddenly.

“I think that’s all for today,” Niko says. “If you want to stay that’s fine, but I think you should go home and rest. I hadn’t intended to start with the questions today.”

Oikawa nodded gratefully and allowed himself to be led out to the waiting room where Mina was.

The elevator ride down was long, and Oikawa kept sifting through the questions he had been asked.

_What was there to fix?_

Oikawa slammed the thought against a wall and shook his head hard.

“I need to pay for the parking,” Mina says laying a gentle hand on Oikawa’s shoulder.

Oikawa nods and goes to sit on a bench while he waited. Not even a second after sitting down a shadow crossed over his form.

“Never expected you to be the type to get therapy,” Oikawa glances up to see Ashley standing in front of him. Oikawa noticed suddenly how uncomfortable he was with having someone loom over him like that, and his foot tapped unconsciously on the floor.

“Sorry,” Ashley says noticing the mannerisms. She sits next to him without another word, “I shouldn’t have pushed the other day. I only just met you, it wasn’t any of my business.”

“I pushed you for answers first,” Oikawa responds quietly. The therapy session had drained him. “And I said some pretty shitty things.”

Ashley doesn’t discount what he said,” We still need to finish our project.”

Oikawa chuckles,” Yeah,” he responds, “We do.”

Another beat passed.

“You here for therapy?” Oikawa asks.

“No,” Ashley says,” My soulmate works here.”

Oikawa glances over at Ashley and smiles, chuckling a bit.

“Yeah,” he says,” I think I met her.”

The barest of smiles crosses Ashley’s face. “She’s a handful.”

“So are you. Though I think you are shorter and thereby less of one.”

“I will steal your kneecaps without second thought.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I get a shout out for Niko and her swivel chair! I honestly think Niko deserves her own series. "Niko and the swivel chair".


	7. Chapter 7

A smile that Oikawa couldn’t quite hold back, graced his face as his phone buzzed mid-class. He pulled it from his pocket carefully while watching the teacher to ensure he wasn’t about to get in trouble.

Beside him, Ashley rolled her eyes in annoyance, and Iwaizumi glared at him from behind.

Okay, so maybe Oikawa had been a bit too enthralled with his phone that day. But he was finding he definitely enjoyed talking to Kageyama. He wasn’t gay, and he still was going through with his plan, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be friends with the guy.

It was incredible how one night at Kageyama’s house had erased all of Oikawa’s prior misconceptions about the kid. And Oikawa felt like the peek behind the curtain had changed a lot.

He tried to ignore the part that told him Kageyama would want nothing to do with him after all was said and done. That part was painful, and it was capable of breaking him if lingered upon for too long.

**_From Tobio_ **

**_Received 1:35 pm_ **

_A pipe broke near the gym this morning, so I don’t have practice. :(_

Oikawa grinned at his phone. Then he started typing. Then he frowned before deleting what he had typed. He typed out another message, frowned even more, and then deleted that one too.

Oikawa groaned, forgetting the fact that he was in class and slammed his head on the desk.

“I’m sorry Oikawa,” His history teacher glared at him,” Am I boring you? Perhaps you’d be less bored if I made you stay after class.”

Oikawa blushed beat red as he remembered where he was, “No Ma’am,” Oikawa says carefully,” I am just struggling with understanding. Not bored.”

Oikawa plasters on the biggest smile he can, and he hears Hanamaki and Matsukawa snickering from the front row, and Oikawa has the urge to commit homicide.

What happens when he has to answer an honest ‘yes’ to the homicide question in therapy?

Behind him Iwaizumi was glaring.

“Be that as is may,” the teacher says still frustrated albeit calmer,” You can’t be disturbing fellow students during class.”

“I apologise,” Oikawa says as politely as he can.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki were definitely running laps later. Oikawa sank back into his chair and picked up his phone.

“If you are going to text during class,” Ashley says glaring,” At least text someone who you don’t take fifteen minutes to compose the perfect text for.”

Iwaizumi grunts quietly in agreement from behind him and Oikawa gasps scandalized, but still works on composing what he wants to say.

_Maybe I should invite him to our practice._

_No that seems too forward._

_But we’d get to see him in shorts again._

_That’s a gay thought._

_I didn’t say he looked good in shorts._

_Yes, you did._

_Only in subtext._

Oikawa bit his tongue to hold back another groan and got a slap to the back of his head when he moved to bite his own hand.

“You need your hands dumbass,” Iwaizumi says,” Stop biting them.”

Oikawa sighs and looks back to his phone again. Picking it up and firing off a message before he could second-guess it.

**_To Tobio_ **

**_Sent 1:45pm_ **

_What if you came to our practice instead? You’re little spiker could come along._

Oikawa put his phone back in his pocket, and his foot tapped nervously on the ground. The students that sat around his desk all seemed to collectively facepalm at once when the phone buzzed again and the whole process started over again.

“Do you think he even realizes?” Oikawa can hear Ashley say to Iwaizumi quietly.

Oikawa hears Iwaizumi give an annoyed grunt, “I am next to positive he has himself convinced that this is normal for a new friendship.”

“He’s acting like a- “

“I know.”

He’s is being- “

“I _know_.”

“How in the hell does he not see it?”

“I don’t know, but I’ve learned not to say shit. Let him figure it out on his own.”

Oikawa finally interjected,” Figure what out on my own?” He spun to face Iwaizumi.

“You’ll know when you figure it out, won’t you?” Iwaizumi says raising an eyebrow. “I’ll be disappointed if I have to explain this to you.”

Oikawa glared, his competitiveness kicking in. He could figure it out just fine. He didn’t need any help.

“This is fucking painful to watch,” Ashley says irritated. “Someone stab me for the love of God.”

Oikawa spun back towards his phone to finally read the message.

**_From Tobio_ **

**_Received 1:46pm_ **

_I’m not sure I am ready to come face to face with Kunimi and Kindaichi again… Can’t we just meet up after your practice. My dad is out of town again so I can be out late._

Oikawa’s eyes scanned the message again and again. The words not sitting right in his stomach.

“Now he looks constipated,” Ashley mutters under her breath.

But Oikawa was too distracted by the message.

**_To Tobio_ **

**_Sent 1:53pm_ **

_Didn’t he just get back last week? How often are you alone? Did he at least leave you food money this time?_

Oikawa didn’t even try to put the phone back into his pocket. Instead he kept it on his desk. Ashley had moved to the empty desk behind her to sit beside Iwaizumi, and the two were whispering. Probably scheming.

Oikawa regrets introducing them to each other, that was probably the worst mistake he could have ever made.

His phone buzzed again, and he looked at the screen.

**_From Tobio_ **

**_Received 1:55pm_ **

_Yeah, he got back last week. I guess something came up. I actually don’t mind it much when he’s gone. It’s better like this._

A sick churning occurred again in Oikawa’s gut. He’s head spun. Something nagged at him, but he pushed it down.

**_To Tobio_ **

**_Sent 1:55pm_ **

_Don’t get along with your dad? And you didn’t answer my question about food._

Oikawa heard Ashley slide back into her desk beside him.

“So, we’ve decided we are going to help you out,” Ashley says quietly to Oikawa.

Oikawa’s head snaps away from his phone and over to Ashley, “What?”

“With your stupid soulmate plan,” Ashley says, “But you have to go into this like you mean it. Stop questioning shit, ‘because you’re not gay’, when you are on dates with him. Agree to that and we will help you.”

Oikawa glances at the two if them,” You want me to pretend I’m not gay?”

“We want you to pretend so well that you convince yourself,” Iwaizumi says. But his voice holds something else. Almost amusement.

“Why would I do that?” Oikawa asks glaring suspiciously.

“Obviously because the guy won’t believe you if you don’t believe you,” Ashley says.

And even though Oikawa was pretty sure this was some kind of set-up (he wasn’t stupid), the logic made sense.

“And you’ll help me how?” Oikawa asks.

“We will give you pointers,” Ashley says

Oikawa snorts,” You? Giving me pointers?”

“You really haven’t figured out who my soulmate is, have you?” Iwaizumi says glancing at Oikawa bored.

“I hadn’t really bothered to check,” Oikawa responds sheepishly.

Iwaizumi sighs,” I happen to be fucking your soulmate’s best friend.”

Oikawa almost chokes on his own tongue and swivels around, a look of pure shock on his face.

“So, do we have a deal, Oikawa?” Ashley asks with an eyebrow raised,” You just have to give an honest go at every single date. Kissing, hugging, and feeling.”

Oikawa glances between the two of them, “Deal.”

He spins quickly back toward his phone that was flashing with another message.

**_From Tobio_ **

**_Received 1:58pm_ **

_You could say that. And no, he didn’t leave me food money. But I promise you that I am okay._

**_To Tobio_ **

**_Sent 2:06pm_ **

_Tobio, we are going out to eat after my practice ends. My treat. Meet at Aoba Johsai._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, Ashley is scheming with Iwaizumi. Seems dangerous.


	8. Chapter 8

The meeting place changed to a park near Aoba Johsai. Oikawa didn’t mind, there was an excellent food stand in that park. And Oikawa also figured that Kageyama had found the volleyball courts down in the bottom portion of the park.

“Would you stop checking your hair and get a move on,” Iwaizumi groaned annoyed,” I would like to see my soulmate _tonight_ and not in 25 years.”

“You’re just jealous that you have perpetually unappealing hair,” Oikawa sticks his tongue out.

The setter feels the volleyball hit his head before he even sees Iwaizumi throw it.

“HEY!”

“Whoops,” Iwaizumi said dryly,” It looks like it slipped.”

“IT DID NOT SLIP!!! MEAN IWA-CHAN, MEAN!!!”

“Can we go?” Iwaizumi sighs,” Coach has asked me to make sure you lock up this time.”

“I forgot ONCE!” Oikawa shouts irritated,” AND suddenly it’s like I need a babysitter.”

The two of them start walking out of the gym, Oikawa glancing once more in the mirror to check his appearance.

_Why do I care how I look? I guess I did promise to give this an honest go. That’s probably all it is. My mind is just giving this an honest go. Gotta be convincing._ _And then at the end it can be over._

His heart panged as he thought about breaking Kageyama’s heart. Pain echoed through his chest. He chalked the pain up to his newfound friendship with Kageyama. It wasn’t going to be as easy to hurt him now.

_There was no way the pain is because I am already in-_

Oikawa shakes his head before the evil thought can take root. Only pain could follow that thought. And Oikawa had been fixed, so he didn’t need the pain anymore.

_Not gay. Not gay. Not gay._

“I can practically hear you having an internal dilemma,” Iwaizumi says,” Gears are squeaking, and smoke is blowing out your ass and ears.”

Oikawa grimaces,” So crude Iwa-chan.”

“What are you thinking about?”

Oikawa is silent for a moment. Chewing his bottom lip. He had never spoken much about his dad to anyone.

“My dad,” Oikawa says honestly.

“Oh.” Iwaizumi goes silent, seeming to assume it was the end of the conversation. But for some strange reason, Oikawa needed his best friend.

“I feel like my dad worked really hard to fix me, you know,” Oikawa says,” The deal I made with you guys is ruining what he fixed.”

There was a choked sort of noise and Oikawa looked back to see that Iwaizumi had stopped walking.

“What do you mean?” Iwaizumi asked, and there was something shining in his eyes.

_What had Oikawa said? Oikawa had said something wrong. What had it been?_

Oikawa’s mind instantly swam, trying to find the moment he had said something wrong.

“Stop thinking!” Iwaizumi says,” Just answer the question. What do you mean by fixed?”

Oikawa’s mind fell to what Niko had said.

_What was there to fix._

Ever since that day in therapy, ever since that one block had been poked at, Oikawa had felt like he was teetering on the edge of something. The edge of understanding and not understanding. And it was driving Oikawa mad. Why had the words ‘I’m not gay’ been so right and now feel so wrong. Same with saying anything kind towards his father; now the kind words felt like cotton on his tongue.

Suddenly there was a shadow in front of him, and Oikawa only noticed that its hand was moving towards him. And that’s all he managed to get before violently flinching away.

There was a beat of silence, and slowly Oikawa came back into himself. Letting his arms fall back to his sides and standing up straight once more.

Iwaizumi stood there; hand outreached to grab Oikawa’s shoulder. His face was pale. And the look he had on his face, was a look that Oikawa would give anything to never see again. Oikawa looked away and effectively shut down from the conversation.

Iwaizumi clears his throat. “How about we get to the park?” Iwaizumi says, withdrawing his hand. “I’ve heard my phone buzz about ten times the last minute. I assume that the Freak Duo is awaiting our arrival.

Oikawa nods and turns to walk. Setting a pace so that he wasn’t walking next to Iwaizumi anymore.

_Why did I flinch? I have never flinched like that before. Did I really think for a moment that Iwaizumi was going to hit me? Did I really think he’d ever hit me hard enough to truly hurt me?_

Oikawa’s hands shook slightly, and he breathed a sigh of relief when they turned into the park and caught sight of the two Karasuno players.

Hinata was on one side of the net receiving and retrieving, and Kageyama was doing jump serves. Oikawa winced when he saw how shaky his soulmate was though. Kageyama was not giving himself _nearly_ enough time of rest in between serves.

“He reminds me of you,” Iwaizumi muttered.

And Oikawa normally would have glared, but Iwaizumi was right. This is exactly what he did, this is exactly what led to his knee injury. A part of Oikawa screamed to stop the younger from overdoing it.

But another part of him, was too stunned by how similar Kageyama was to him. Was too stunned by how hard Kageyama was working.

“Kageyama I think you need to stop,” Hinata says, the spiker seemed to know that if it came down to it there would be nothing, he could do to keep Kageyama from overdoing it.

“Not yet,” The labored breathing was hard and unhealthy. A product of lungs that had been overused. “I need to do something right today… One more.”

And even from where Oikawa was, he could see Hinata’s pained grimace. It must be bad if the hyperactive ball of energy thought they should quit.

Kageyama served again. It was a wonderful serve, slightly shaky. But they were outside and there was wind, Kageyama shouldn’t blame himself for the shakiness of the serve.

Oikawa stepped forward to offer praise. But he was stunned when Kageyama let out a frustrated groan.

“Again!” Kageyama says resetting in his starting position.

Oikawa was close now, and in the light of the streetlamp he could see how slick Kageyama’s entire form was. Sweat was literally dripping from his hand. His entire body heaving. Kageyama’s legs were shaking, and Oikawa stepped to stop his soulmate from stupidly pushing himself.

“One more,” Kageyama’s voice came out with a wheeze, a choked sob,” Please I need to do something right today.”

The ball was passed back to Kageyama, and Kageyama grabbed it with a shaky grasp.

_Let him have one more. If he tries one after this, I’ll stop him._ Oikawa resolves the issue with himself internally.

Kageyama throws makes a perfect serve, no shakiness to be seen. It narrowly misses Hinata’s receive and hits the corner. Still in bounds.

Kageyama lands and stumbles. Falling forward toward the pavement.

“I’ve got you,” Oikawa wraps his arms around Kageyama, catching him before Tobio could hit the ground.

The body in his arms shakes uncontrollably, and Oikawa winces. He heard running feet and looked up to see Hinata standing nearby. The ginger was being pulled into a hug by Iwaizumi.

“Why would you let him go this long?” Oikawa asks, forgetting that he himself had allowed one more serve, before grabbing onto him.

“You don’t _allow_ Kageyama to do anything, Great King,” Hinata says,” It’s better that I’m here. He would do it whether I was here or not. Besides, he said he needed a win.

Oikawa glances down at Kageyama. The weight of Kageyama’s head on his chest felt nice. It felt like it was meant-

_I’m not gay._

_I promised to try._

Oikawa gives into the nice feeling and allows Kageyama to stay there.

He tried to tell himself it was a means to an end.

He tried to tell himself it was because of the promise.

He tried to tell himself he wasn’t gay.

But he couldn’t help the happiness that fluttered inside him when Kageyama fell asleep on his chest. A happiness that he had no business having at 8:46pm on a Tuesday night in late November. A happiness he had no business having while sitting on a dirty ground in his white training pants.

But he felt it none the less.

And it was utterly terrifying.


	9. Chapter 9

Niko had her chair. And she span in it regularly. The hyperactive therapist was usually spinning, and if she wasn’t, she was thinking.

Oikawa had his pacing, and after about two weeks, Niko figured this out and found a solution.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Niko says clapping her hands. Her happy face was always a relief for Oikawa. Even though their sessions sometimes made his head hurt.

“What?” He asked, staring at Niko suspiciously.

Niko rolls her eyes,” The hospital has an indoor track, nobody uses it this time of day. How about we go for a walk. You seem to like pacing.”

Oikawa stares for a moment before nodding, walking, and talking did sound easier. It sounded safer. He would have something else to think about other than the reactions Niko gave him.

Niko led him through the waiting room and into the elevator, which they took to the 7th floor. Niko hummed a song that Oikawa didn’t recognize at all as they rode up three floors from fourth.

And when they finally started walking, Oikawa felt at peace. Instantly more relaxed. The path gave him a set goal that he could repeatedly accomplish as much as he liked.

“Are we talking about my dad again?” Oikawa asks quietly.

The last two sessions had been about his father. They hadn’t gotten far before Oikawa had trouble answering questions. His mouth locking up. The second session they only got to talking about how Oikawa’s dad had been before Tobio’s name, and the third session had ended in a panic attack on Oikawa’s part. All Niko had asked:

“Why are you so sure your father was right?”

This time as they walked, Niko shook her head. “I want to try something different.”

Oikawa nods carefully, glad that the topic of his dad wasn’t being brought up again. It was weird, but as of late Oikawa wanted nothing to do with the idea of his father. “What are we going to talk about then?”

Niko smiles, she leans forward a bit and then does little flouncy skip before spinning and walking backwards.

“What’s your soulmate’s name?” Niko asks smiling.

“Kageyama Tobio,” Oikawa responds. A small smile gracing his lips before he wipes it away.

Niko doesn’t comment on the fact that Oikawa smiled. She knows when to point stuff out and when not to.

“Last time we met you had been on a few dates with him.”

Oikawa nodded. It had been two weeks since he had held Tobio in the park as the younger fell into an over exhausted sleep. He had carried Tobio home and held the boy the entire night, much to the surprise of a wakeful Kageyama the next morning.

They had been to the arcade, the ice cream parlor, and (on a tip from Iwaizumi) had also been to the zoo where Kageyama spent an adorable amount of time smiling over the foxes.

“I think we might bond soon,” Oikawa says smiling.

“And after that you plan to break it, right?” Niko asks. Her tone not judgmental, just curious.

And the question made pain shoot through Oikawa’s heart. The ‘yes of course’ died on his tongue as he thought about all the things that he was going to lose.

“You don’t really want to?”

And Oikawa found himself saying words he didn’t even know were inside himself, “No.”

A silence falls between them as Niko nods. She is careful to never stare at Oikawa for too long.

“Then why are you going to?”

Oikawa’s head spun incessantly. What was wrong? What had he just said? He was being a bad son.

“Because I have to,” Oikawa says quietly. The answer felt dry. And Oikawa was starting to recognize that the answer didn’t even sound like his own. It made Oikawa feel sick.

“Why do you have to?” Niko asks spinning. A half skip. Another spin. A full skip. Niko’s steps seemed to be a rhythm, and Oikawa found himself relaxing because of it. Despite the fact that her question made his head hurt.

“I don’t know,” Oikawa says honestly,” I just know that I have to.”

“Normally your response would be that you aren’t gay,” Niko points out. “What has changed?”

Oikawa paused in his steps, wide eyes staring at the path. Niko was right. That answer had been missing. In fact, he hadn’t thought it all session. A brief panic filled him, but then he caught sight of Niko’s easy smile. Niko wouldn’t tell anyone that Oikawa had had a slip up. And Niko wasn’t going to hurt him.

“I think… I am… gay… I mean,” Oikawa ran a hand frustratedly through his hair.

“That’s alright,” Niko says,” Why do you not seem alright with that?”

“Because I can’t be- “

“Would you tell me that I can’t be gay?”

“No.”

“Then why is it not alright for you to be gay?”

And Oikawa doesn’t know the answer. He searches his mind. Knows the answer is somewhere.

Then another thought occurs to him.

One he hadn’t thought of before.

“Does anyone else have trouble answering these questions?” Oikawa asks quietly,” Am I broken.”

Niko stops moving, and there is a moment of silence, “We are all a little bit chipped and banged up. But you aren’t defective because you can’t answer a couple questions.”

“No but it’s as a result of me being broken right?” Oikawa asks quietly,” I can’t answer because I am broken.”

“Oikawa,” Niko says,” Normally I would wait to say this, but I feel you need to hear it. The moment feels right. You have PTSD.”

Oikawa’s head snaps up to look at Niko,” I don’t! I don’t have regular panic attacks, loud noises don’t scare me, I’m not- “

Niko holds up a hand, and Oikawa finds himself trailing off, “PTSD can take many forms. I think your trauma keeps you from thinking much for yourself.”

“What trauma?” Oikawa whispers.

“You know the answer,” Niko says quietly,” But you need to admit it to yourself before we can talk. You aren’t broken love… Okay maybe you are a little… But it’s nothing that you can’t learn to live with.”

Oikawa nods quietly, “Are we done for the day?”

Niko looks at Oikawa and smiles, “Yeah.”


	10. Chapter 10

Another handful of sand hit Oikawa’s face, and Oikawa glared at Kageyama before smirking.

“Okay,” Oikawa says smiling,” That does it.”

Kageyama smirks from his place on the sand next to him. A playful smirk that makes Oikawa’s heart soar. The smirk falls away when Oikawa stands up.

“No, no, no, no!” Kageyama takes off running at a dead sprint as Oikawa follows behind with a hand full of muddy sand.

The two book it across the deserted beach, it was late on a weeknight, so no one was out. Sand kicked up behind Kageyama as he ran.

Finally, Oikawa tackles Kageyama to the ground and massages the muddy sand into Kageyama’s hair.

Kageyama lets out an undignified screech as Oikawa’s hand smear the mud onto his face.

“Hey!” Kageyama says annoyed. “I at least used dry sand you ass.”

Oikawa chuckles, “Guess you’re going to have to wash it off then.”

And without any further warning Oikawa hefts the younger into his arms and runs over to the water.

Kageyama kicks and protests until suddenly he’s sopping wet and glaring at Oikawa from the water.

“Now I know why Iwaizumi-san calls you Shittykawa,” Kageyama grumbles, but makes no move to exit the water. Instead the younger setter lays back and allows the waves to carry him back to the beach.

Oikawa looks at the gentle angles of Kageyama’s face. His eyes. His lips. Oikawa’s heart stutters in his chest.

_You’ve already disobeyed by being gay. What’s one more act of disobedience._

The setting sun casts a glow across the younger setter’s form. And Oikawa is sure in that moment that he wants to kiss the boy.

But then Kageyama sits up, “Hey Oikawa-san,” Kageyama says quietly,” Have you ever thought about death.”

Oikawa’s heart stalls out and his eyes shoot to Kageyama’s face. The younger setter is looking at the setting sun. His eyes shining with unshed tears.

Oikawa sits next to his soulmate quietly. “Kind of morbid for you,” Oikawa jokes,” huh Tobio-chan?”

Kageyama doesn’t respond,” Sometimes I think about it. What it would be like if it all just ended.”

The conversation felt wrong. It felt like ice running through Oikawa’s veins.

“You shouldn’t think like that Tobio-chan,” Oikawa says quietly. His voice shook slightly. He felt like this conversation was heading down a dangerous path, and he didn’t know how to circle back.

“But I do,” Kageyama says sadly. His long sleeve shirt was soaked, “And sometimes I don’t think I’ll make it.”

They left that night, both of them quietly. Oikawa couldn’t get the words that Kageyama was saying from his mind.

He wanted to kiss Kageyama fiercely and tell the younger that he wasn’t allowed to think shit like that.

But Oikawa couldn’t because he was scared. He was scared of an unseen belt raining down on his back. He was scared of a ghost that wasn’t even there anymore.

It made Oikawa feel worthless. It made him feel broken. He couldn’t even tell Kageyama he loved him.

Days past and Oikawa and Ashley started feeling the push to finish their project.

Oikawa poured over the books in front of him on the desk. Ashley sat on his bed, seeming to be reading the same line over and over. Bottom line is, neither of them were making much progress.

“Your girlfriend is a really good therapist,” Oikawa says trying to encourage a break in the studying.

Ashley shuts her book, taking the bait for a break.

“She really is,” Ashley says.

“She’s helped me a lot in the time that I’ve seen her.”

“She’s helped me too,” Ashely responds with a small smile.”

Oikawa sighs in relief, turning back to the book to shut it. “I think we need to rethink our topic. There just isn’t enough here.”

“Or maybe we just can’t agree on what to say,” Ashley says quietly,” We do have very different ideas on the subject.”

Oikawa quietly rolls a pencil in between his fingers. Not ready to say what he wanted to say.

“I’m…” Oikawa’s mouth goes dry. He had been to at least twelve weeks of sessions now. And he started going two times a week after Niko revealed that he was dealing with PTSD. “I think I’m starting to agree with you.”

Oikawa’s revelation was met with silence.

“So, you aren’t going to destroy your bond anymore?” Ashley asks.

Oikawa tenses, and tears start to fill his eyes. He was gay. He knew that. But that wasn’t the only problem in this mess.

Oikawa smiled bitterly. That’s what he was really, a fucking mess. A quiet sob ripped through him, and he let his head fall onto the desk. Sniffling and he felt the desk grow wet beneath his face.

“There is a lot more to breaking this bond,” Ashley says quietly,” Isn’t there? I mean at first, I thought you were the type of asshole to do that. But I’ve gotten to know you, and there is more to it.”

“I’m gay,” Oikawa sobs. He hugs himself sadly. The pain in his chest growing. “He always told me I couldn’t be gay. That I needed to be fixed. And now I’ve fallen in love with the one person I was forbidden from falling in love with.”

“That’s okay right- “

“NO!” Oikawa shouts and turns around. Tears cloud his vision,” I can’t even kiss Kageyama because I am so afraid. I can’t think of loving him without hearing my mother pleading for _him_ to stop hurting me. I’m BROKEN.”

Oikawa collapses back into his chair, pulling his knees up to his chest.

“Oikawa- “

“This was all so much easier when I thought he was right!” Oikawa says sobbing,” It was so much simpler when I was fucked in the head.”

There is another moment of silence.

“If it’s any consolation,” Ashley says quietly,” I still find you to be very fucked in the head.”

Oikawa chuckles brokenly, “He deserves better than me.”

“Oikawa- “

“Please don’t argue with me,” Oikawa says quietly,” I don’t want to break the bond anymore. But it isn’t about me anymore.”

Ashley’s eyes go wide.

“Oikawa stop.”

“If I’m out of the way then he can do so much better,” Oikawa says brokenly. “He can find someone who deserves him.”

“Oikawa- “

“You should have seen his face the other night Ashley,” Oikawa says crying, “He needed me to say I loved him, and I couldn’t. I don’t deserve him.”

“Don’t you think he wants the choice,” Ashley says, “Maybe he wants you. Maybe he feels like you deserve him.

Oikawa turns back towards the desk.

“My brother broke his bond,” Ashley says quietly. “My parents were awful to the two of us. They found out we were both gay and would beat the shit out of us.”

“I’m sorry- “

Ashley holds up a hand, “It isn’t your fault, so don’t. Point is after my brother got help, he realized what he had done was wrong. But by then, his soulmate had died of suicide. So, my brother, wracked by guilt, decided to follow.”

“That’s why you hate me so much,” Oikawa says.

“I don’t hate you,” Ashley says. Oikawa shoots her a look,” Okay. I did at the beginning, but you aren’t exactly good at first impressions.”

Oikawa scoffs. And continues to roll the pencil around on the desk.

“You’re still going to do it then?” Ashley asks sadly.

Oikawa stares bitterly at his hands.

_Broken mess. That’s all I am._

“I have to,” Oikawa says sadly,” It’s the only choice I have.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Oikawa actually walks through things that happened. So tw for everything

Oikawa skipped therapy. He knew he shouldn't, but he did. He skipped practice. He skipped school. His mind felt broken and in disarray. 

How could he be so stupid?

How could he ever have thought the things his father had told him?

How could he still believe them?

Tears leaked out of his eyes as he stared at the ceiling. Hopelessness settling in his gut as he purposefully went back over his childhood in his mind. Looking at every moment that he had been abhorrently weak.

A knock on his bedroom door startled him into a sitting position , and he let his head turn towards the door. 

"You've been skipping practice," Iwaizumi says quietly," I knew something was wrong. Thought I'd give you some space, but now we are going to talk."

Oikawa didn't want to talk. He didn't want to hear about how awful and stupid he was. He had enough self loathing for them both, thank you very much. 

The setter laid back down and turned his back to Iwaizumi.

Oikawa heard a sigh, "I talked to Ashley."

Oikawa let's out a choked laugh, though it sounded more like a sob.

"So you already know the problem," Oikawa says quietly.

"No," Iwaizumi says quietly," I have my suspicions, but she only told me you needed your best friend."

Oikawa felt a pang in his chest. He didn't deserve any of them. He didn't deserve Kageyama. He didn't deserve Ashley. He didn't deserve Niko or his sister Mina. He didn't deserve his best friend.

Tears leaked out of his eyes again. And a shuddering breath exited his lips.

Truly all he deserved was a slow and painful death at the hands of his father.

"Shouldn't you be out with Chibi-chan," Oikawa says quietly,"It's date night."

There is a moment of silence and then Oikawa feels the bed dip as Iwaizumi sits down.

"Hinata is with Kageyama," Iwaizumi responds," We both decided our best friends needed us more than we needed a date night."

A gentle hand brushed through Oikawa's hair. A gesture that Iwaizumi rarely ever used. The last time it had been used, Oikawa had blown out his knee. There had been a chance that Oikawa might never play again, and Iwaizimi had comforted him with a gentle hand through the hair. 

Oikawa didn't feel like he deserved it. Any of it. But he was a selfish bastard, really.

"I'm gay," Oikawa says quietly.

Oikawa recalls how mad his father had been when he had seen his son's mark. He recalls the anger and the disgust.

"I know," Iwaizumi says," And there is nothing wrong with that." 

Oikawa remembers his mom trying to reason with his father. Only to be locked in a room while her son screamed in the other room.

.

Oikawa let's out a choked sob. "My dad thought there was."

"Your dad left," Iwaizumi says. Iwaizumi's hand still works through Oikawa's hair.

Oikawa remembers his dad's words as he was hauled away by three police officers.

_"You killed your mother through being an atrocity."_

"He didn't though," Oikawa exhaled shakily," Cops took him away after he killed my mom."

"You never- "

"I never told you," Oikawa says quietly, "It was because I was gay. Everything he did to me. It was because I was gay."

Oikawa remembered the pain and the biting words. The gasping breaths..

The hand in his hair stilled. 

"Did to you?" Iwaizumi's voice was cautious. As if trying to keep from tipping some invisible balance.

The balance had been tipped though. And the wall was crumbling. Oikawa was seeing clearer. Recalling things as they should have been recalled before. The rose colored glasses had been removed. And now Oikawa was left wondering which way was better.

"He used to hit me with his belt everytime he thought I was being gay. You should have seen it when I joined the volleyball team. He was pissed, thought it was a girls sport. I couldn't sleep on my back for a month."

"Oikawa- "

Oikawa didn't stop. He didn't deserve to have someone listen to him, but he was being selfish because he couldn't process the shit that was flying through his head. The shit that just months ago had been a normal childhood in Oikawa's mind.

"And he would escalate. He'd say I deserved it. He'd say this is what happened to fags."

Oikawa remembered the hatred in his father's eyes.

Oikawa clenched his eyes shut hard. Trying to shut out the flashing of images in his brain.

"Why did you never tell me?" Iwaizumi asks.

Oikawa has another choked sob exit his lips, "I don't know anymore! Maybe because I was scared, thought he was still a good man, or maybe I thought I really deserved it. There is a part of me that..."

"A part of you that what?" Iwaizumi asks quietly.

"A part of me that still thinks I deserve it," Oikawa says quietly. "And I don't know what I did to make it that way."

"You didn't do anything," Iwaizumi says quietly. 

Oikawa turns to face his best friend, raw emotion alight in his chest. Fear, anger, self loathing.

"Then why?" Oikawa's voice shook and tears streamed down his face," Why did he starve me? Why did he beat me? WHY DID HE FORCIBLY TAKE ME FROM BEHIND AND TELL ME THAT'S WHAT IT MEANT TO BE GAY!!!" 

Shaky breaths exited Oikawa's mouth. He gripped his head and pulled at his hair. His face alight with an array of emotions. Emotions that before he had felt no right to feel, because his father had been "doing God's work". He couldn't feel sad over "God's work". 

"WHY DID HE TELL ME NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME. WHY DID HE TELL ME PEOPLE WOULD THINK HE DID THE RIGHT THING!!!"

The questions weren't even being posed as questions anymore. They were screamed, like prayers to whatever fucking diety was deciding he was worth listening to that day. Probably none. Oikawa chokes, not being able to continue, he chokes on the sobs trying to exit his mouth. He feels a wave of exhaustion pass over him. And he let himself fall into his best friend's chest. He wanted he wall back. He wanted the glasses back. He wanted to go back into his box and not think about what had been done to him.

Because at least in his box those things had actually meant something. At least in his box there was a meaning to the pain.

Out here it was just meaningless violence.

"Why didn't I deserve to be saved, Hajime?" This time it was a question posed to his best friend, and only to his best friend.

Iwaizumi had turned his head away at some point during Oikawa's breakdown. He is silent. And for a second Oikawa is afraid he scared his best friend off. But then Iwaizumi turns his head up, and Oikawa can see absolute heartbreak in his eyes. Seconds later Iwaizumi has the setter wrapped in a hug.

"You did deserve to be saved," Iwaizumi says quietly. "You did."

Oikawa's entire body trembles with an intensity that made his muscles sore.

"Then why wasn't I?" 

"I don't know."

"Did I deserve- "

"You didn't."

"Did I need to be fixed?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"I'm sorry," Iwaizumi says, his voice trembling, "I don't know."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: again oikawa is starting to open up

Oikawa watched silently from the top of the stairs as Iwaizumi spoke to Hinata on the phone. His best friend was pacing slowly, more like he was taking a leisurely stroll as he spoke on the phone. Iwaizumi’s posture was relaxed, and a small smile sat on his face. It was the softest Oikawa had ever seen his best friend be.

“Sorry Shou,” Iwaizumi said gently into the phone,” I know we haven’t seen each other in weeks.”

Oikawa felt a moment of guilt wash over him for taking Iwaizumi away from Hinata. Ever since Oikawa had opened up about what happened to him as a kid, Iwaizumi had been taking care of him.

There was a laugh and Iwaizumi leaned against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, “You seriously dumped water on Kageyama to calm him down? Even you aren’t that stupid.”

There was a loud squawk from the other side of the phone that Oikawa could hear from clear across the room, Iwaizumi had to pull the phone from his ear to conserve his hearing. There was another moment of silence, though Oikawa could see Iwaizumi smiling happily at whatever was being said over the phone.

“I know,” Iwaizumi says fondly,” Shittykawa and I went and watched you guys play. Congrats on knocking Ushiwaka down a peg.”

Iwaizumi is silent for a moment before letting out a loud laugh, “No I am pretty sure Ushiwaka’s soulmate is the middle blocker.”

A beat passes.

“Yeah the redhead, Tendou,” Iwaizumi smiles and pauses again before letting out a half laugh, “Only you would become friends with the most terrifying middle blocker in our bracket.”

Oikawa has to agree that it was one of Chibi-chan’s more terrifying traits.

“Alright,” Iwaizumi says,” I love you, but I have to get going. I’m taking Oikawa to something… Yes, I love you too. Bye.”

Iwaizumi ends the call and then looks up at Oikawa.

“Jesus,” Iwaizumi says,” Tooru you look sick.”

Oikawa felt sick too. Nightmares had tormented him liberally the past few nights. School had been hell. Ashley and he were cramming the hell out of a project that was due in a matter of weeks. Volleyball season was officially over for him. College applications were a bitch and going through the scholarships wasn’t much easier. It didn’t help that every time Oikawa looked at colleges his mind drifted to Kageyama, and how he still wanted to be close to the other. But then Oikawa would remember how he really didn’t deserve to be anywhere near Kageyama, and then he was right back into a puddle of self-loathing and sadness that made it difficult to even leave his bed.

And yet he still had the balls to text Kageyama and take happiness from a place he didn’t deserve.

Oikawa hated himself.

“Thanks,” Oikawa responded with a wry smile,” I was thinking I still looked like a sexy beast, but it’s good to have a reality check.”

Iwaizumi huffed out a laugh, “Go get washed up,” Iwaizumi says, “You look like shit, and I bet your therapist wouldn’t hesitate to comment on it.”

Oikawa didn’t doubt it, Niko would likely try to say it in a kind manner. But Niko would definitely say it.

Oikawa sighed and stood up, wincing as his joints popped and ached. He shuffled to the bathroom, where he finally got a good look at himself in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and had dark circles lying underneath. He was pale as a ghost, and his normally perfectly set hair was in complete disarray. That wasn’t even saying anything about his hands. His normally perfect nails were bitten and chewed.

Fuck, he was falling apart. He was overwhelmed by the mere sight of himself. So much to do to make himself look even somewhat presentable. He couldn’t even muster up the energy to brush his hair out of his face.

The sound of clothes hitting the ground startled Oikawa from his thoughts.

“I picked you out an outfit,” Iwaizumi says,” It’s just some sweatpants and a sweatshirt. But it’s better than that pajama set you’ve been wearing for a week. Do you think you can shower?”

Oikawa grimaces, knowing that he should. But the pure energy needed to wash himself seemed like too much.

Iwaizumi shrugs,” After then,” His best friend grabs a brush off the counter and pats the toilet seat.”

Oikawa sits down heavily and closes his eyes as Iwaizumi brushed his hair. It felt like pieces were coming back together simply because a few strands of hair were no longer stragglers in front of his eyes.

The brushing stopped, and Oikawa opened his eyes to see Iwaizumi set the brush on the counter, “Go ahead and get dressed Tooru,” Iwaizumi says. “I’ll meet you in the car.”

Iwaizumi left the room, and 20 minutes later Oikawa followed. They new clothes helping him to feel fresher, and slightly more energized, but the hoodie and sweatpants still managed to make him feel safe.

The drive to Oikawa’s therapy was silent. Neither of them had anything to say. Neither had had much to say the entire week. Not since Oikawa had broke down on his best friend’s chest.

The waiting room was quieter than normal, or maybe Oikawa was just more focused on his internal thoughts. Finally, his name was called, but it was almost like the person didn’t expect him to respond.

Oikawa didn’t blame them; he had skipped out of therapy without calling the past four sessions.

Niko looked at him in shock when he stood up. And when they got back to the office, she hugged him tightly.

There was a moment of silence before Niko reeled back in embarrassment, “I am so sorry!” Niko says, “That was completely unprofessional. I truly thought you were dead, and that I screwed up somehow.”

Oikawa feels tears track down his face. He doesn’t even know why he was crying. But he had a feeling it was because of the worry that Niko was displaying. Even though it was her job to care, that didn’t stop her from actually caring as well.

“Do you want to walk?” Niko asks gently.

Oikawa knows that she can see the state he’s in. He knows she can see how bad his mental state is.

Oikawa shakes his head, “No I’d like to stay here… if that’s alright.”

Niko nods and gestures to a chair and then, instead of sitting in her beloved office chair, she sat on the floor. And surprisingly I made Oikawa relax to have her at a lower level than him, to be looking down instead of at eye level.

“Thoughts of suicide?”

Oikawa swallows heavily, before nodding his head. Hell, he had thought about it ten times on the ride over.

Niko nods gently, no judgement in her eyes. “Do you have a plan?”

Oikawa hesitates, before shrugging,” It’s more like strong urges to swallow a bottle of pills I have on hand, step into traffic, or jumping off a ledge. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like something I would really plan all that much.”

Niko nods again, “Has there been any attempt?”

Oikawa shook his head. He didn’t say the reason for that was because Iwaizumi was staying at his house, taking care of him while Mina worked her two different jobs.

“Any homicidal thoughts or desire to hurt yourself or others?”

“Myself,” Oikawa says. Figuring wanting to jump in front of a car counted as a desire to harm himself.

“Do you have any injuries that need treating?”

Oikawa shakes his head no.

“Are you going to be safe if I let you leave this office tonight?”

Oikawa is struck by the question. Because he really didn’t know the answer.

“I don’t know,” Oikawa says brokenly. A tear slips down his face.

“Do you have someone who can look after you?”

Oikawa felt guilty suddenly, Iwaizumi’s name on the tip of his tongue.

“I think Hajime,” Oikawa says quietly,” But he’s already been there enough this week and- “

“And I’m sure he would be there without a second thought,” Niko says gently,” Is he the one in the waiting room?”

Oikawa nods silently.

“I told him about my dad,” Oikawa says quietly, “I told him about what my dad used to do to me.”

Oikawa ached, “Why did I deserve that?”

Oikawa’s broken gaze met Niko’s gentle eyes.

“Why did my dad beat me? Why did he… why did he rape me? Why did he hate me so much? What did I do wrong?”

Niko watched as Oikawa hunched in his chair.

“I tried so hard to be a good son. I did everything he ever asked me to do. I rejected my soulmate because of him. I wasted my life because of him.”

Oikawa’s body felt drained. This is the second time with only a week’s difference that he was spilling his heart out. But still, it felt like a weight was being lifted from his shoulders.

“Why did I deserve it, Niko? And why does it feel like I only deserve that?”

Niko shook her head and sighed,” I’m not supposed to be this informal. And I am supposed to let you come to conclusions and shit on your own. But you need to hear this. You didn’t deserve it. And you did nothing wrong. You were a child.”

“But- “

Niko grabbed Oikawa’s hand, and the touch made Oikawa stare into her eyes, “But nothing. You were a child. You were learning and growing, and you were revealed to be something that your father felt he had the right to change when he didn’t. Hell, he tried to change something about you that he couldn’t. And there was nothing wrong with you for being gay. There was nothing wrong with the fact that you liked boys instead of girls.”

“There was obviously something wrong- “

“There was nothing,” Niko’s voice held a power, and a conviction behind it. “There was absolutely nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong, was the way your father used pain and power against you at a very impressionable age. The only thing wrong was the fact that your father thought he had the right to mold you into his bullshit idea of what a human being should be. Let me be the first one to tell you, with absolute certainty, that he had no such right.”

Oikawa’s frame shook. And a sob exited his mouth. And yet again he found himself sagging against another person as he sobbed. It felt like the last of the wall that had been erected and built by his father for years was finally torn to shreds. And Oikawa felt a range of emotions as soon as it fell.

“I hate him,” Oikawa says bitterly. For the first time proclaiming an emotion so vivid a deep in his being. An emotion that before had been buried beneath countless feet of cement. “I hate him for what he did.”

The emotion felt freeing. It felt right.

For the first time, something felt right both in his mind and heart.

“And I’m proud of you,” Niko says, seeming to understand the hurdle that Oikawa had just leaped,” I am so proud of you for feeling that.”


	13. Chapter 13

Oikawa showered when he got home. It shouldn’t have felt like as much of an accomplishment as it did. But to Oikawa, the simple action of climbing into the shower, turning the handle, and washing himself; that action was absolutely everything. A battle won, a battle he had been fighting for weeks. One that had seemed so damn impossible, and yet he had done it.

As he finished rinsing the last of the soap from his body, he stood inside the still running shower. The water was hot, and Oikawa could feel the entirety of the tension he had built up for months leak from his body. He leaned against the slick wall of the shower and allowed himself to sink so that he was sitting on the shower floor. Water continued to cascade down his back and shoulders. His hair lay damply against his forehead. The sound of the water lulling him into a state of security that he hadn’t had in forever.

The tension continued to fall until he felt boneless, weightless. The stress, the anger, the self-hatred all fell away. And tears rolled down his cheek as he finally was able to grieve. He’d never thought grieving could be done for anything but a death. But he grieved regardless for something things that were never even personified. He grieved for his childhood, his sanity, his years that he had lost with Kageyama. All because his father had decided that Oikawa couldn’t love boys.

A sharp sob echoed through the bathroom, and it took Oikawa a moment to realize it had been himself. His shoulders shook, he didn’t even know what questions to ask anymore. He didn’t know if there were any. And most of all, even if there were, Oikawa was certain there would be no answers. There would be no answer that could give back the years of his life he had lost to his father’s meaningless actions. There would be no answer that suddenly turned back the clock to when he had rejected Tobio. And there would be no answers that would rectify the situation in any way.

And a sense of relief passed over him as he realized that, because it meant that Oikawa really couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything but mourn and move forward. It meant he finally had a direction.

I hand touched his shoulder, and Oikawa jerked away fast.

Just because he was moving forward, didn’t make the memories any better.

“It’s just me,” Iwaizumi says putting his hands up.

Oikawa’s breathing slows again, though he hadn’t noticed it picking up in the first place.

“The water is cold,” Iwaizumi says, his brows furrowing,” Come on, let’s get you out. I made ramen.”

Oikawa snorts and rolls his eyes at his friend. His eyes were swollen and red rimmed from crying still. But yet he smiled, “You’re such a mom, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi turned away, making it look like he was just going to turn off the shower. And yet Oikawa could see the barest of smiles that Iwaizumi was trying to hide.

“Shut up or I’ll throw your ramen in the toilet,” Iwaizumi says pretending to be annoyed.

And maybe Oikawa was imagining it, but things seemed more relaxed than they had ever been between the two of them.

“You wouldn’t do that Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says mocking a pout,” You are too much of a mom.”

“Yeah, well I’m about to mom you straight out of existence,” Iwaizumi says before leaving,” Hurry up and get dressed shithead.”

Oikawa laughs lightly, the pain was still there. It hadn’t disappeared. Things weren’t magically all better. But things had a purpose now. Oikawa had a direction to move in. And that was enough to make him breathe easier.

Oikawa climbs out of the shower and shivers a bit, now noticing the fact that the water had indeed been icy cold. Probably not for long though, Oikawa’s body temperature wasn’t dangerously low. It was just annoyingly low enough that when he stepped into the circulating air of the room, his teeth began chattering.

He pulled on a pair of joggers and a T-shirt. Then he threw on a zip-up hoodie and some socks.

He looked at himself in the mirror and felt better than he had when he had looked the very same morning. He runs a hand through his dampened hair and revels in the fact that even though it was still soaking wet, it looked healthier.

“SHITTYKAWA I SWEAR TO GOD!!!”

Oikawa chuckles in amusement over the fact he was annoying his best friend. It felt natural. Something he had missed in the week since he had opened up to Iwaizumi.

Oikawa padded down the stairs and entered the kitchen to find Iwaizumi with his hands on his hips.

Oikawa snorts in amusement, “Iwa-chan… Is that… an apron?”

Iwaizumi stood with a wooden spoon in his hands, and both his hand were poised on his hips. A flowery pink apron adorned his front, and he wore the expression of a mother’s who’s children had arrived covered in mud for dinner.

Oikawa begins to cackle manically as Iwaizumi’s face goes completely red.

“Hold on,” Oikawa says clicking a picture before Iwaizumi could move,” I am sending this to Chibi-chan. And about forty other people.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Iwaizumi says narrowing his eyes.

Oikawa sticks out his tongue at Iwaizumi and hits the send button. And ten seconds later Iwaizumi’s phone, as well as Oikawa’s was blowing up with hundreds of messages.

The pinging noise alone was enough to make Oikawa completely lose it. Oikawa fell to the ground laughing hysterically, tears coming from his eyes.

“YOU SENT IT TO THE TEAM GROUPCHAT!?” Iwaizumi looks at Oikawa with a mixture of rage and fondness.

Oikawa continued to cackle until finally his laughs tapered off into small giggles that erupted every now and then. His ribs and lungs screamed at him. But Oikawa didn’t care. This is the happiest he had been all week.

Iwaizumi looks at Oikawa and sighs, before grumbling about his charge being an ‘indignant little shit’.

“You love me,” Oikawa mocks from the floor.

“Sit down and eat you dumbass.”

Oikawa laughs, but ultimately does as he is told. They eat in silence for a bit before Oikawa decides to speak again, though this time he’s not laughing. His eyes hold a certain sincerity that throughout the years had rarely ever existed.

“Thank you,” Oikawa says quietly. And Oikawa watches as Iwaizumi’s stern glare softens completely.

“You’re my best friend,” Iwaizumi says with the same level of volume Oikawa had used, “My brother really. And I wasn’t there for you back then. But I am here now.”

Oikawa sees a droplet hit the table beneath his face. And it takes him a moment to realize it was him crying and not the ceiling leaking.

“You didn’t know,” Oikawa says quietly.

“That doesn’t make it any easier to know that I had been there throughout it all, and never did I once see it.”

“You were a kid.”

“So were you.”

Oikawa nods, because really the situation was fucked. It was fucked how only a few months ago, he had thought his childhood had been completely normal. It was fucked how the memories and trauma had embedded themselves in his head, as completely natural and God-given works from his father.

“Ever wish you could turn back time?” Oikawa asks quietly.

“It’s literally the only thing I’ve wished for all week,” Iwaizumi says sighing. “I want to go back and take a swing at your dick of a father.”

“Fourteen-year-old you versus him,” Oikawa snorts,” I’m sure that would go over well.”

“Hey!” Iwaizumi says smirking a bit,” Who says I can’t just go back in this body. These arms were made for punching dirtbags.”

“And hitting my sets,” Oikawa says laughing.

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes,” Of course how could I forget.”

The silence passes over them once again.

“I wish I could go back and not reject Tobio,” Oikawa says softly,” Honestly, I think it was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Iwaizumi stares at his friend for a moment,” But it’s not one that you can’t fix,” Iwaizumi says quietly. “That kid has been head over heels for you from day one. And he still is.”

“I don’t deserve him,” Oikawa says shaking his head.

“But you make him happy,” Iwaizumi says,” And if you do that, then I feel like that’s all the deserving you need.”

“Do I though?” Oikawa asks quietly. “Do I make him happy?”

Iwaizumi barks out a laugh,” You are the most observant player on the court, but the most blind when it comes to this. Tell you what. I hear Karasuno is off of school next week, for the entire week, for some reason. And 3rd years are off next week for us to visit colleges. You’ve already visited colleges, so you have the entire week off. Why don’t you take him somewhere, away from here? See for yourself, for that week, how happy you make him.”

Oikawa stares at the opportunity in front of him. Seemingly laid out by faith itself. He had nothing to lose, and absolutely everything to gain. But still he hesitated.

Iwaizumi sighs, “Do you want to break the bond Tooru? Because if you do, at this point, even though I don’t agree I’ll understand. I get that this shit can fuck with people to the point that they never want a relationship ever again.”

Oikawa knew what _this shit_ entailed. And he smiled as he felt his best friend’s support. Still he knew his answer.

“I don’t want to break the bond,” Oikawa says quietly,” I don’t think I would have ever been able to. Not after seeing him like I have.”

Iwaizumi pokes at Oikawa’s head, “Then don’t Shittykawa. Take the kid on a vacation away from here. Clear both your heads. See how much he adores you.”

Oikawa feels calm and completely sure in his answer.

“Okay.”


	14. Chapter 14

Ashley practically knocked Oikawa off his seat when sliding into the booth next to him. He hadn’t eaten down in the cafeteria since first year; it used to feel to large and open for him to feel comfortable. But Makki and Matsukawa had convinced him to join the team. Iwaizumi followed with a small grin, and Ashley invited herself along.

“You could be a bit gentler,” Oikawa grumbles irritated.

Ashley ignores him and gives him a onceover, “Good,” She says taking a bite of her lunch,” You no longer look like you are on dead.”

“You are so eloquent,” Oikawa says sarcastically.

“Really? I’ve been told I am kind of a bitch,” Ashley responds smirking. The smirk falls slightly,” I only saw you a couple times around school since you and I talked. And really it looked like you were about to die.”

Oikawa smirks and ruffles Ashley’s hair,” AWWWWW!!!” Oikawa says loudly. Ashley tries to bat his hand away in annoyance. “Was wittle Ashley worried about me.”

Ashley finally succeeds in throwing off his hand, “Dude if you ever baby talk me again, I will castrate you without question.”

Oikawa hears a snicker and looks up to see Makki finally sitting down at the table. The next table over had Kunimi and Kindaichi. Yahaba and Kyotani were sat next to them.

“I like her,” Makki says smirking,” She’s got a feistiness to her. Small but dangerous.”

“Call me small again,” Ashley says glaring,” And I will steal your kneecaps.”

Makki smirks but puts his hands in the air in mock surrender. Iwaizumi and Matsukawa sit down next to their respective best friends.

“So how are things going with Kageyama,” Hanamaki takes a bite of his food, and tries to seem casual about the question, “Broken the bond yet?”

Oikawa almost flinches at the blatant question, but instead he takes a bite of his food and avoids everyone’s eyes.

“No,” Oikawa says simply, “I don’t think I am going to.”

“HA!” Hanamaki says loudly,” KUNIMI YOU OWE ME A TWENTY!!!”

Kunimi’s head shoots up from his food and over at their table in confusion. “Wait,” Kunimi says confused,” What for?”

“Oikawa isn’t going to break the bond with Tobio!!!” Hanamaki says happily. “Fork it over Kunimi.”

Oikawa watches in shock as Kunimi pulls out his wallet and then removes a twenty, before walking over and throwing it down on the table in front of Hanamaki.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Hanamaki smirks.

“Bite me,” Kunimi says before going back to his table and sliding in next to his soulmate. Though Oikawa met the kid’s eyes. There was something deep within them that unsettled Oikawa deeply.

Oikawa looked away and continued with his lunch. When he finally finished, he removed himself from the group and exited the cafeteria.

“Oikawa-san,” Kunimi’s voice met his ears and Oikawa turns to look at the younger. The hallway was empty besides the two of them. “Is it true?”

Oikawa looks at his hands before nodding,” Yeah. It’s true.”

Kunimi relaxes a bit, letting out a sigh of relief. “Thank God,” He mutters sliding down a locker and sitting on the floor.

Oikawa feels a burst of shock run through him.

“Sorry for asking,” Oikawa says despite not really feeling sorry at all,” But why do you care? I and many others, including Kageyama, were under the impression you hated him.”

“I’m mad sure,” Kunimi says,” Or I was. I mean, he was an asshole to all of us. That last year was hell for us because of how hard he pushed.”

Oikawa recalled his conversation with Kageyama from, what felt like, months ago.

“He was going through a lot,” Oikawa says quietly.

Kunimi’s eyes shoot up,” Like what?”

Oikawa bites his lip thoughtfully, “Did you know his mom died?”

“Well yeah,” Kunimi says quietly,” Found out not that long ago. After a game we had against Karasuno.”

“His mom died beginning of his last year in middle school,” Oikawa says quietly.

“Oh,” Kunimi says,” So he was probably- “

“Overworking himself and others to forget about what was going on at home?” Oikawa says quietly. “Yeah I wouldn’t doubt it. He tends to do that.”

Oikawa remembers the night when he had had to carry the younger setter home after the repetitive jump serves.

There is a moment of silence before Kunimi speaks again, “I always had a suspicion there was something else going on,” Kunimi says quietly, “But I never found enough evidence to confront him.”

“Didn’t know you were that close to him,” Oikawa says.

“He was our best friend,” Kunimi says. “Until he- “

“Pushed you guys until you abandoned him.”

“Yeah,” Kunimi says guiltily,” Look. It’s something I regret. But I always thought that maybe- “

Kunimi trails off and fidgets uncomfortably.

“Maybe what?” Oikawa asks cautiously, though somehow, he already knew what Kunimi was going to say.

“I always had this gut feeling, that maybe the guy wasn’t being treated right at home. It was never enough to take to a teacher or confront him with. But it was little things, like he would flinch away from touches. He would startle bad at loud noises. He had really high expectations for himself. He wouldn’t get dressed or undressed around any of the team. Sometimes there would be a week where he didn’t show up for school.” Kunimi says, “And I tried once to take it to a counselor, but she had just shrugged and said there wasn’t enough evidence to warrant a call to child services. Said a call like that could ruin families and that she needed more to go on.”

Oikawa felt something settle deep in the pit of his stomach, the things Kageyama did recently, the bruises. But Oikawa pushed the feeling down for the time being. The kid had come up with a reason that made sense for the bruises, and while Oikawa didn’t have a good feeling about Kageyama’s dad. There wasn’t enough.

They lapsed into a silence. And Oikawa suddenly had a thought.

“Hey Kunimi!” Oikawa says excited, “Would Kageyama enjoy camping?”


	15. Chapter 15

The car was quiet other than the quiet music that drifted through the vehicle. Oikawa chances a glance over at his passenger.

Kageyama was fast asleep, head resting against the window of the car. His features softened in a way that they never were when he was awake.

Convincing the younger to go with him, had been easier than Oikawa had originally planned. Kageyama practically jumped at the opportunity to get out of the house. And Oikawa tried not to think about why that may be.

Kageyama shifted as Oikawa turned onto a dirt road and opened his eyes. He yawned and blinked a few times before glancing at Oikawa sleepily. It was cute as hell.

Oikawa smirks, “We’re almost there, Tobio-chan.”

Oikawa rests his arm on the arm rest and drives with one hand on the wheel. There were a few more miles of road ahead and his shoulder was getting tired. Ten seconds later he felt a warm hand playing with his fingers.

Oikawa raises an eyebrow while keeping his eyes on the road, “Something wrong with my hands Tobio-chan.”

Out of the corner of his eye Oikawa watches as Kageyama blushes and jerks his hands away, placing them in between his knees. As if to keep from compulsively touching Oikawa’s hand again.

“Sorry,” Kageyama says blushing,” Your hands are nice.”

Oikawa snorts out a laugh, “You have a thing for hands, Tobio-chan?”

Kageyama’s face flushes even more red, “It’s not like that! It’s just… uh… I notice hands. I think it’s cause I am a setter.”

And Oikawa can’t deny the fact that occasionally he’s mentally thought about how nice a person’s hands were. How easily a person could set a ball, or something along those lines.

“Are you sure you just didn’t want to hold my hand Tobio-chan?” Oikawa asks teasingly, though he was hoping for an affirmative answer.

Kageyama blushes again and quickly looks out the window. There is a moment of silence, before Oikawa sighs and grabs the hand closest to him. Interlacing their fingers together. Oikawa had never been one to listen to romance stories, or all that crap about two people interlocking like puzzle pieces. It was all far to poetic, and not realistic to him. But holding Kageyama’s hand, it felt natural. Oikawa felt at ease. The touch didn’t cause him to cringe, and the weight in his hand felt good.

When they finally got to the destination, Oikawa pulled up at the bottom of a hill and parked the car. The hill had a trail, and it was surrounded by dozens of trees. They were clear out in the middle of nowhere. Not even a single bit of cell coverage. Though there was Wi-Fi were they were going, how else were they going to stream movies.

“Where’s the food?” Kageyama asks, “Don’t tell me we are going hunting for it on this trip. That seems a little intense for camping.”

Oikawa laughs, “No Tobio-chan. The food is already inside. I dropped by yesterday and cleaned the place up a bit, as well as stocking it with food.”

“You drove three hours here and three hours back, yesterday, for this?” Kageyama asks.

Oikawa’s brows furrowed, “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because you are important to me,” Oikawa says getting his bag out of the car. He grabs Tobio’s too.

“I can carry my- “

“My date,” Oikawa says throwing up a hand, “My date, means I do all the work, and you sit back and enjoy.”

“That’s not fair,” Kageyama says pouting,” I can do something.”

“Well on your date,” Oikawa says grabbing Kageyama’s hand with his free one,” You can do the work.”

Kageyama blushes again, “You want to do this again?” There is a certain doubt to his voice and makes Oikawa’s heart pang.

Oikawa looks at Kageyama gently, “Yeah, of course I do.”

Confusion radiated off Kageyama in waves as they climbed the hill, but Oikawa was to busy making sure the two of them didn’t trip to ask what was on the younger’s mind.

The climb was steep, but worth it; because once at the top, Kageyama stopped thinking and stood in awe of the view. It was already almost sunset, so the lake was covered in an orange glow, the trees encasing the view like a picture frame.

“Is this your place?” Kageyama asked in awe. Staring at the big cabin.

Oikawa laughs, “No, Hanamaki owns it.”

“Hanamaki-san owns property?” Kageyama asks in shock.

“Yeah,” Oikawa says smiling,” His grandparents left it to him when he died. When he turned 18 it became fully his.”

Kageyama stared in awe of the view for a bit longer. And Oikawa passed him to unlock the door and drop the bags inside. Oikawa stretches after putting the bags down.

“Where am I sleeping?” Kageyama asks, startling Oikawa. Because damn that kid knew how to move silently.

Oikawa had to breathe for a moment before comprehending the question, “Wherever you want I guess,” Oikawa responds, biting back the part of him that wanted to say, ‘with me’.

Kageyama nods and opens his mouth before shutting it again. He looked away blushing.

A bit of hope blossoms in Oikawa’s chest and he decides to seize it, “You, of course, could just sleep with me. I… uh… don’t mind.”

Oikawa cursed himself for phrasing it so awkwardly. Why was he acting like a blushing schoolgirl all of a sudden. His own face was lit up red to match Kageyama’s.

Kageyama doesn’t respond vocally, but instead nods his head and shuffles a bit. And when he looks up, Oikawa is suddenly struck by how beautiful Kageyama really was. The sun was peaking its afternoon light through the windows, and it cast a gentle glow across Kageyama’s features. Kageyama’s long eyelashes were visible, as well as the sharper angels of his face more prominent.

Oikawa didn’t even feel himself move. One second, he was staring in awe, and the next he was holding Kageyama’s head in a gentle grasp. His hand rested upon Kageyama’s cheek as he stroked a thumb over the perfect features of the boy in front of him.

He didn’t let himself think about anything when he touched his lips to Kageyama’s gently. Bringing his other hand up and laying it on Kageyama’s hip gently.

Kageyama was stunned at first before he started to kiss back shyly. Letting his arms wrap around Oikawa’s neck. When the kiss stopped, Kageyama blushed and looked to the side.

“Can I keep my shirt on when we- “

Oikawa’s face paled, he hadn’t even thought about the possibility of bonding this weekend at all. And despite all his progress, he wasn’t ready for sex, not after-

“Oikawa-san?” Kageyama says quietly, “You’re shaking. Are you okay?”

Oikawa snapped himself out of his thoughts before kissing Kageyama’s head, “We aren’t bonding this week,” Oikawa says quietly, trying not to think,” I’m… uh… not ready for that yet.”

Kageyama’s brows furrowed slightly before nodding, “That’s fine. I just thought that’s what we were doing since you’ve wanted that from the beginning.”

“Things change,” Oikawa says embracing the younger and burying his face into Kageyama’s hair, “I just need to take things slow.”

Kageyama pulls away and studies Oikawa’s face. “Okay,” Kageyama says gently, “So where are we sleeping?”


	16. Chapter 16

Kageyama cooked dinner, much to Oikawa’s dismay. The younger had started cooking while he had been in the shower.

Oikawa walked into the kitchen to find Kageyama stirring something in a pot and cooking rice in another.

“What part of I do all the work wasn’t clear?” Oikawa asked with a grin.

His grin faded as Kageyama flinched and burned his hand, “Shit,” Kageyama says gripping it tightly.

Oikawa was across the room in seconds and looking at Kageyama’s hand, it was burned but not at all bad.

“I’ll be right back,” Oikawa says gently, before walking to get some burn cream from the medicine cabinet.

When he got back Kageyama was running the burn under water.

“Come here,” Oikawa says pulling a chair up and sitting it across from another one.

Kageyama makes a quick trip over to the stove, checking the food and turning the stove down to a simmer, before making his way over and sitting in the chair across from Oikawa.

Oikawa grabs Kageyama’s hand gently and begins to rub the cream over the burn with a tender touch.

“I can do this myself you know,” Kageyama says quietly. “I know what to do.”

“I know,” Oikawa says,” But I want to do this.”

Oikawa had gotten to touch Kageyama more today then he had in the past months of dating the younger setter. And Tooru was finding that touching Kageyama was as easy as breathing.

“Why?” Kageyama asked. Oikawa paused and looked up at Kageyama’s expression, “Why are you doing all of this Oikawa-san? Why don’t you get this over with already? Because I can’t handle this whole, you pretending to be in love with me crap.”

Oikawa felt as if he had been slapped, “What?”

“I know you want to break the bond. It’s a rumor throughout all of our division. I’ve been asked questions about it since the start of the fucking season,” Kageyama has tears rolling down his cheeks as he talks,” And if I had known that this is what you were doing when you first approached me, I would have just slept with you then. Because I can’t do this whole… falling more and more in love with you crap. Every time we are together, I feel so damn happy, and then you leave, and I remember your real intentions… So please… just end the game… okay?”

Oikawa feels pain flood through his chest, and he was suddenly reminded that he had forgotten to take his medication that day. Oikawa grips his chest and struggles to breathe as he feels the intensity level of whatever emotion Kageyama was feeling right then. And it was high.

“Oikawa-san!” Kageyama said panicked. And Oikawa had another jolt of pain run through his chest. He put up a hand.

“Please,” Oikawa says painfully,” Please just calm down so that I can take my medication. We can eat. And then we will talk, okay.”

The pain slowly ebbs away, and Oikawa takes deep gasping breaths in order to regain focus.

“Sorry,” Kageyama says worriedly,” Where is your medicine, I’ll grab it for you.”

Oikawa takes a deep breath,” Next to the bed.”

Kageyama makes a short nod before running off. Seconds later, Kageyama is in front of him with the pill and a glass of water. Oikawa chokes down the medicine and groans as the fast-acting pill works its magic.

Kageyama looks at him worriedly, “Sorry I didn’t mean- “

Oikawa holds up a hand, “It’s fine,” he says quietly,” Your reaction is completely understandable, but I have other things to add. So, let’s eat, and then I’ll explain.”

Kageyama hesitates, but eventually nods quietly. As he dishes out the food, he continues to glance up at Oikawa nervously. And Oikawa could see Kageyama’s hands shaking.

They ate in silence. Oikawa was wondering how much he should actually tell Kageyama. Nervously biting his lip.

_What if he thinks I’m pathetic?_

_What if he finds me repulsive?_

_What if he thinks I deserved it?_

Oikawa eats as much as the rice before pushing he plate away.

“Is it not- “

“It’s excellent Tobio,” Oikawa says smiling,” I just… I’m nervous. I’ll be in the bedroom when you are ready to talk… I think I need to lie down.”

Kageyama furrows his eyebrows and continues to eat while Oikawa makes his way to the bedroom and lies down. Panic starting to set in. Oikawa shoves it down.

It didn’t take long for Kageyama to make an appearance in the room. He shuffled over to the bed and laid down next to Oikawa awkwardly. Reaching out to hug Oikawa but pulling back at the last second.

“Please don’t hate me after what I am going to tell you,” Oikawa says quietly. Tears already running down his face.

There is silence for a moment, and the bed moves a bit as Kageyama sits against the headboard.

“I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate you,” Kageyama says quietly.

Oikawa wants to laugh at that, because he didn’t think he’d ever sink to the level of self-hatred he had for himself, but he had.

“The things they said,” Oikawa said referring to the rumors,” were true.”

Kageyama moves to speak but Oikawa barrels forward before he could.

“At least they used to be. When this all started, the dates were all a means to an end. And my whole reasoning was because I wasn’t gay.”

“Oh,” Kageyama says simply.

“But I am gay,” Oikawa says quietly. “And I… this is hard for me… My father wasn’t a good person Tobio.”

Beside him Kageyama tensed, and Oikawa gripped his eyes shut tightly to block out Tobio’s reactions.

“He would beat me, and do other things to me,” Oikawa felt tears run down his cheeks, and he took a shaky inhalation of breath,” And he killed my mom in front of me. He would have killed me too if the cops hadn’t come. But it didn’t matter that he hadn’t killed me because he had already ruined me completely.”

“That’s not- “

“Please,” Oikawa says quietly,” Let me finish.”

Kageyama nods. His normally sharp expression was gentle.

“For years after my father was taken away,” Oikawa says quietly,” I believed everything he said to be true. Things like I could change who I was, or that it was a crime to be gay. And so, I rejected you. And I hurt you. And I was going to break the bond so I could get away from the whole idea of you.”

Oikawa focuses his gaze on the ceiling, so he didn’t have to see Kageyama’s reactions.

“But then I got to know you, I met Ashley, and I actually started going to a therapist,” Oikawa says, “And then for a while I was going to break the bond because I felt I didn’t even deserve you anymore. And then I talked to Iwa-chan, and more to my therapist, and I decided I at least wanted a shot. I decided I didn’t want to break it anymore.”

There is silence as his words ring through the air. The last rays of light had disappeared sometime in the conversation, and so Oikawa could no longer see Kageyama’s face.

“I want to hold you, and be with you,” Oikawa says quietly,” I want to have you love me as much as I love you. Because you are absolutely amazing. But I… But if you feel you can’t forgive me for this… And you decide that you want to stop and walk away… hate me forever… I’ll understand. I put you through so- “

Oikawa was cut off by a gentle kiss being pressed to his lips. Kageyama grabbing his face and kissing him.

“It’s okay,” Kageyama says quietly. Oikawa feels Kageyama climb under the blanket’s next to him, cuddling close and laying his head on Oikawa’s chest like it was the most natural thing in the world, “I understand… and I… I love you too.”

Oikawa feel his heart sore and he wraps an arm around Kageyama and takes a shaky inhalation of breath, “Thank you.”

Kageyama nuzzles further into Oikawa’s chest, his body relaxing completely. Silence passes over them, and for a moment Oikawa thinks the younger had fallen asleep.

“Do you think we can go swimming tomorrow?” Kageyama asks.

Oikawa smirks,” Only if it’s skinny dipping.”

“Iwaizumi’s right to call you Shittykawa.”

“HEY!”


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning, Oikawa awoke to a weight on his chest. He could feel soft breaths tickling his neck, and a leg was thrown over his waist. Two arms hugging his torso.

Apparently Kageyama turned into a human sized koala when his slept. Though Oikawa couldn’t find it in himself to be upset about this newly learned fact. Though he did have to pee. Oikawa moves to slip out of Kageyama’s grasp, but the shorter male tightened his grip, and wrapped his legs around Oikawa’s waist in true koala form.

“Tobio,” Oikawa sighs, “I have to get up.”

“No,” Tobio groans into Oikawa’s chest. The younger buries his face into Oikawa’s neck, and continues to slumber.

“My bladder is telling me to get up,” Oikawa says smiling at Kageyama’s antics.

“Tell your bladder to go fuck itself,” Tobio mumbles.

“I don’t think that’s going to work,” Oikawa says kissing Kageyama’s head gently. The kiss seemed to appease Tobio, because Kageyama rolled away and burrowed himself into the blankets.

Oikawa did his business and took a shower before re-entering the bedroom. Kageyama was still burrowed into the blankets, a tuft of dark hair sticking out. Oikawa smiles before walking over and ripping the blankets off. The result was, simply, Kageyama rolling into a ball and remaining asleep.

Oikawa sighs and gives his bedmate a once over. His eyes stop on a patch of skin that had revealed itself from beneath Kageyama’s shirt. Oikawa sucks in a breath at the sight of a darkened purple bruise in the shape of a handprint, so defined and darkened that there was no denying what it was. And Oikawa knew bruises. He used to cover them up on his dad’s command all the time. Oikawa knew what that bruise was. There was no longer any question in his mind.

Oikawa wanted nothing more than to wake Kageyama up and make the other explain. But he also knew that Kageyama, at this moment, felt safest inside the cabin with him. Oikawa knew that now wasn’t the time to make Kageyama feel trapped. So, Oikawa climbed back into bed and pulled the blanket back up over the two of them.

“Come on Tobio-chan,” Oikawa whined, pushing the mental image of the bruise as far from his mind as he could, “I want morning kisses.”

Tobio grumbled and rolled so that he was on the other side of the bed, further away from Oikawa’s whining.

“Tobio-chan!!!” Oikawa whined some more, eventually he would accomplish his mission.

“I don’t want to get up,” Tobio groaned, “This bed is so comfortable!”

“But I’m bored!” Oikawa groans,” Let’s do something!”

“That sounds like a personal problem,” Tobio says glaring at Oikawa, but the glare didn’t last long. Tobio rolled so that he was laying on top of Oikawa.

“This isn’t doing something,” Oikawa grumbles irritated.

“I did something,” Kageyama mutters sleepily,” I rolled.”

Oikawa rolls his eyes before deciding he was just going to take matters into his own hands. Grabbing Tobio by the shoulders, he flipped them so that Kageyama was below him, and then hoisted Kageyama up into his arms bridal style.

“Time to get up you lazy brat,” Oikawa says ignoring Kageyama’s surprised yelp.

Kageyama struggles for a second, before relenting that now he was officially out of bed, and there was to be no going back.

“Unfair,” Kageyama grumbles irritated. He reaches up and stretches, His shirt riding up and showing red lash marks across his back. It made Oikawa’s breath catch in his throat. He forces himself to avert his eyes, biting his tongue to keep from speaking out.

_Not right now._

“Something wrong Oikawa-san?” Kageyama asked glancing at Oikawa worriedly.

Oikawa’s eyes snap back to Kageyama’s, and he wants to scream at the younger. Something was wrong, Kageyama was being hurt the same way Oikawa had. All this time Kageyama was being hurt, and Oikawa wasn’t able to do anything about it until now.

“No,” Oikawa says quietly. He steps over to Kageyama and kisses the younger’s forehead gently, “I’m just thinking.”

There was a moment of silence, “Can we think about breakfast?” Kageyama asks glancing up at Oikawa, “Because I am hungry.”

Oikawa chuckles,” I’ll cook breakfast while you take a shower.”

“Deal.” Kageyama says, before scampering off to get washed up.

Making breakfast was rather simple. Eggs cooked fast, as did toast and bacon. And orange juice was a simple trip to the fridge and back. Like previously stated, making breakfast was simple.

Until Oikawa is midway through turning the bacon, and suddenly two arms and two legs koala themselves around him.

“Tobio-chan,” Oikawa groans trying to keep himself from burning himself, “It really isn’t safe to do this near the stove.”

“Payback for getting me out of bed.”

“I MADE YOU BREAKFAST!”

Kageyama doesn’t answer, and Oikawa can’t say he really minds the weight on his back. So, Oikawa ignores it and continues making the food, before serving it up on some plates and dropping Kageyama into a chair.

“You are going to turn me into an old man,” Oikawa mutters cracking his back.

Kageyama smirks, and Oikawa knows the jab that’s coming before it even passes the younger’s lips.

“I SWEAR, if you call me an old man, I will steal years from your lifespan.” Oikawa points at Kageyama knowingly.

Kageyama chuckles into his orange juice. And Oikawa sits down in his chair to eat.

Silence yet again settles over them. Except now it’s relaxed, and fluid. This felt like where they were meant to be now. No awkwardness because of some stupid past decision to break a bond. No stupid rumor. Just them.

“Hey Oikawa-san,” Kageyama says quietly,” Can I ask for some advice?”

Oikawa nods. Thinking that Kageyama was going to ask for advice on volleyball, how to kiss, or how to get Hinata to unlock his full potential.

“I have this friend who is going through… something similar to your past situation.” Kageyama says quietly. Tobio’s eyes weren’t meeting Oikawa’s any longer. His eyes were now focused on the plate in front of him. And Oikawa wasn’t stupid. He already knew. “And I was wondering… How should he get out?”

Oikawa stares at Kageyama, trying to appear unknowing of the real question. Trying not to scare the kid off.

“Have him tell an adult,” Oikawa says quietly, “And if he’s too scared to do that, have him tell someone he trusts.”

Kageyama bites his lip, “And what if… what if he’s too scared to do either.”

“Let him know there’s someone there,” Oikawa says, and Kageyama’s gaze snaps up, and their eyes meet, “Let him know you aren’t going to let him get hurt anymore.”


	18. Chapter 18

The rest of the week passed quickly.

On day two the decided that instead of swimming, they were going to build a blanket fort. It was supposed to be one giant blanket fort throughout the entire cabin with King Tobio and King Tooru leading over the land of Cabintron.

Yes, they really came up with the name Cabintron.

The two had a disagreement over how to rule Cabintron though, and so they split the blanket fort into two warring countries. Cabintron, ruled by King Tobio. And Cabintopia, ruled by Tooru.

Oikawa couldn’t wipe the smile from his face as they whacked each other with their “swords”, which were really just pillows.

The Cabin war had ended with Tobio residing victoriously over top of Oikawa, a victorious grin laid upon his lips. He was straddling Oikawa to keep him pinned to the floor, and both were breathing hard.

Sudden giggles started to exit Kageyama’s lips, “Did we really just spend the whole day building a fort and having a pillow fight?”

Kageyama’s head fell onto Tooru’s chest as the younger continued to laugh hysterically. Oikawa began to laugh as well, they had acted like children the entire day, but never had Oikawa felt so free to be himself.

Day three, they went for a walk in the woods. Kageyama held tight to Oikawa’s hand as they walked.

Every now and then they would pause, and Tobio would lean his weight onto Tooru. His head would rest upon Tooru’s shoulder, and Oikawa would give him a kiss on the head.

That day was spent completely outside. They had a picnic. Climbed trees. And chased each other through the forest when one had the balls to start throwing dirt. Normally Kageyama was chasing Oikawa, hair full of dirt.

Day four, the baked together.

That was always going to end in disaster, but Oikawa hadn’t thought they would be eating their cake whilst still wearing two cartons of eggs.

It didn’t matter though because Kageyama smiled, and that warmed Oikawa’s heart. The bruises on Kageyama’s body were fading, and the smile on Kageyama’s face was getting bigger.

Oikawa was going to do the one thing that hadn’t been done for him. He was going to get Kageyama out. That smile on Kageyama’s face was going to stay.

Day 5 was probably a bad idea. No… It was definitely a bad idea.

A water war had been a bad idea. And Oikawa was thinking this as he sat, soaking wet, before a laughing Kageyama. Tobio smirked as he looked at Oikawa briefly.

“Oh, stop pouting,” Kageyama says laughing, “You lost fair and square.”

“YOU PPUSHED ME INTO THE LAKE,” Oikawa yells, before jutting out his bottom lip.

Kageyama pretends he’s going in for a kiss before changing direction and whispering into Oikawa’s ear, “You never said it was against the rules.”

Kageyama took off, running away from Oikawa’s grabbing arms. And Oikawa dripped water everywhere while he chased Kageyama into the cabin.

The 6th day they relaxed on the couch, watching movies.

At some point into the movie watching, Kageyama sat on Oikawa’s lap and kissed his soulmate passionately. The two exchanging open mouth kisses. The Tv long since forgotten as they instead focused on each other.

Something raw and powerful thrummed beneath Kageyama’s skin. Every time they broke apart, Kageyama looked like he wanted to say something. Kageyama looked like he needed to says something, but when he couldn’t he pulled Oikawa back into another searing kiss. One that would have made demons blush.

On day seven they started loading up the car. Oikawa bit his lip, wondering how to bring up what needed to be said. He sighed, shutting the trunk, and climbing into the car.

The drive home seemed to move far too quickly; they were already halfway. And Oikawa could feel how tense Kageyama got every mile closer they got. Kageyama was texting someone on his phone. Nervously checking it every two seconds.

“Oikawa-san,” Kageyama says quietly. There is a note of panic in the boy’s eyes, “Can we pull off somewhere.”

Oikawa heard the plea in the boy’s voice. The plea to make this whole week last a bit longer. And Oikawa wasn’t about to argue about that. He pulled off at the next rest stop and parked the car, watching as Kageyama yanked his legs to his chest.

“I don’t want to go home,” Kageyama says crying.

Oikawa feels his heart break as the younger shakes in fear.

“You aren’t going to,” Oikawa says quietly. His hand brushing against Kageyama’s cheek as a way to comfort the distraught boy. “I was never going to let you go back.”

Kageyama’s eyes shoot up to look at Oikawa. “You knew?”

Oikawa looks at his feet for a moment. Trying to think of the words, “I figured it out. I knew for sure at the beginning of the week. I saw a bruise under your shirt, lash marks. I had the same injuries as a kid Tobio. It wasn’t hard for me to piece together once I was really looking.”

Tobio cries. His head tilted down. The sight is absolutely heartbreaking.

Oikawa grabs Kageyama and pulls the younger into a hug. “I’m here now.”

Kageyama sobs harder, weakly holding onto Oikawa. A grip that acted as if Oikawa was going to disappear. And Oikawa gripped tightly, knowing that if he didn’t Kageyama would.

There was something nagging in the back of Oikawa’s mind, because the look that Kageyama had, wasn’t one of somebody who was getting out. It wasn’t relief. It was still guarded. Still stuck. It made Oikawa’s stomach drop slightly. But he brushed it off.

Kageyama would be fine, Oikawa would make sure of it.

When they got in the car, Oikawa caught Kageyama sending a terrified glance at his phone. But seconds later the expression was gone.

The rest of the drive went fast enough, and eventually they pulled up to Oikawa’s house. Oikawa grabbing Kageyama and pulling the younger inside. Gentle touches, like he knew he would have wanted.

“Stay here,” Oikawa orders, “I need to make a call, alright?”

Kageyama nods quietly, his own phone being gripped tightly in his hands. Oikawa spared one last glance at Kageyama’s face. A gentle hand brushes across Kageyama’s cheek.

There was something Kageyama wasn’t telling him. But Oikawa had some stuff to take care of to ensure Kageyama would be okay.

As he walked away from Oikawa, he could have sworn he heard a mumbled apology from the younger. But then when he looked at Kageyama to see if that had been the case, the setter was staring at the floor in a daze.

Oikawa called Mina; the conversation went on for longer than Oikawa would have liked. Mina wanting to know the details and wondering if she should come home. Oikawa reassured her multiple times, before hanging up and heading back down the stairs.

Oikawa’s heart dropped. His stomach felt sick as he approached the area that was now lacking one Kageyama Tobio.

Rain started pouring down outside. And Oikawa’s head clouded as he searched his house.

But no matter where he looked, Kageyama was just gone.


	19. Chapter 19

Oikawa left the house in a hurry, forgetting basic things like a jacket. And for that matter, shoes. His mind racing to various places that he could look. He didn’t want to believe that Kageyama had chosen to go back to his father, but that’s still the first place Oikawa checked. Opening the door to Kageyama’s house and looking around. There was nothing in the house, but Oikawa looked in every room. Hoping to God that he would find Kageyama.

When he got to Kageyama’s dad’s room. He practically gagged. He remembered stepping in the room before, briefly. But he had never turned on the light.

There was so much blood in the room, and it made Oikawa back himself up against the wall in fear. His mind racing as images of himself as a child assaulted his mind. His breath became shorter, and tears leaked their way out of his eyes.

_Stop panicking._

_We need to make sure he’s okay._

_We need to find Tobio._

Oikawa sinks to the ground in fear. His legs going weak from the hyperventilation. After a few moments though, Oikawa managed to even out his breathing.

He could break down in his next fucking therapy session. But right now, he was going to help Tobio.

He but a hand down to get himself up, but he winced when his hand made a squelching noise on the carpet. Something wet covered his hand, and Oikawa clenched his eyes shut, not wanting to think about what it was. And he didn’t want to think about why, whatever it was, it was still wet.

Taking a few gasping breaths, he allowed himself to look at his hand, clenching his eyes shut again when he realized a thick coat of blood is what was on his hands.

Images flashed through his mind yet again, but he had enough sense to be able to stand. Swaying slightly Oikawa pressed the hand that wasn’t covered in blood to his head.

_Who else might know where Kageyama is?_

_Who?_

_Who?_

The thought hits him quick and fast and soon enough his running through the house and out to the car.

“Shit!” Oikawa yelps as he foot catches on a broken piece of glass. But he wrenches it out of his foot and sprints to his car in haste.

The rain picked up even more. And Oikawa wanted to laugh at the irony. A thunderstorm for a high stress situation, it was just like the damn movie Oikawa had watched with Kageyama at the cabin.

Oikawa wanted nothing more to go back to the cabin. Wanted nothing more than to stay there forever, having another pillow fight. Watching another movie. Having another goddamn water war.

Tears blurred Oikawa’s vision again, to the point where Oikawa knew he shouldn’t be driving anymore. But he pushed forward.

Kageyama was going to be okay. Oikawa was going to get him away from that awful dick of a father.

Oikawa barely remembered to put his car in park before jumping out of it. The lights of the Karasuno Crows gym were still on, despite the rain pouring down with a vengeance outside.

Oikawa sprinted, ignoring the biting pain in his foot from where the glass had stuck. Breath uneven and shaky, but not because of the run, because of the panic.

His hand slammed into the doors edge as he stopped at the doorway. The loud noise alerting everyone in the gym.

“Great King?” Oikawa heard Hinata’s voice before he felt the hands on him. It didn’t stop him from flinching away. His body jerked away from the touch and his breathing picked up.

“Whoa whoa!” The voice of Karasuno’s backup setter cut through the haze, “Calm down we aren’t going to hurt you?”

Oikawa nodded and allowed himself to be pulled inside out of the rain.

“Daichi,” Suga called, “Go get some towels.”

“I don’t have time,” Oikawa muttered, suddenly realizing they were going to make him sit and calm down, “Do you know where Tobio is?”

Hinata stared at Oikawa for a moment before speaking,” Did he run off on you after you broke the bond?”

So apparently the rumor was that far spread.

Oikawa clenched his eyes shut,” I’m not going to break it, and we never bonded. Please his dad is hurting him, and I need to find him.”

Oikawa’s head is spinning, and he really wouldn’t even be able to tell left from right at the moment.

A towel is thrown around his shoulders.

“Have you called the police, Oikawa-san?” Hinata is speaking this time.

Oikawa shakes his head, “They won’t be fast enough,” He doesn’t know how he knows. But he does.

“Hinata why don’t you call Kenma,” Sugawara says calmly,” See if Kenma can track Kageyama’s number. And Oikawa, why don’t you go and wash up.”

Oikawa follows the order numbly. His mind and body screaming to leave and continue looking. But the lack of places to look keeps Oikawa rooted.

He doesn’t wash up. Instead he slides down the bathroom door in a daze. Wishing he could turn back time. Wondering how he could fix this. Wondering if he was doing all that he could for the moment.

His phone started ringing, and he answered it without thinking.

“Hello?”

“Oikawa-san,” Kageyama’s voice was weak. And while it sent relief crashing over Oikawa, it was also followed by a bucket of ice water.

“Kageyama! Where are you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kageyama says. And Oikawa can hear the tears in his voice, “He’s going to kill me.”

“Please tell me where you are?”

“He said he would hurt you.”

“I DON’T CARE!!!” Oikawa screams. He realizes his feet had carried him back to his car, “Please Kageyama…”

Oikawa hand is outstretched and placed against the door. His head spinning faster than before. The rain poured even harder.

“It’s better this way,” Kageyama says, “My dad is right.”

“NO!” Oikawa says, “He has _never_ been right. It isn’t better this way. It’s better when I wake up and I have you in my arms. It’s _better_ when I can laugh while egg drips down your face. It’s better when we are curled up on the couch and watching a movie. This isn’t _better_. This is the _worst_ possible thing that could happen to me. And you know… You know I’ve had bad.”

Oikawa can hear Kageyama’s shaky breath from over the phone.

Oikawa sobs, “So please,” Oikawa begs, “Please tell me where you are.”

Oikawa grips his car door tightly and yanks it open, before turning the car on. His windshield wipers swipe viciously, trying desperately to keep his windshield clear of the torrential downpour outside the car.

“I turned on my location,” Kageyama says quietly.

Oikawa’s hands shake as he copies the location into his GPS and starts driving.

“How bad are your injuries?” Oikawa asks trying desperately to see out the windshield.

“I lost a lot of blood,” Kageyama says quietly,” He beat me at the house when I got home. Then he dragged me out to the car and drove us to my grandparent’s old house down here. Then he beat me some more before stepping out for a second. He’ll be back, and he knows you know. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Oikawa says. His voice shaking. “You did nothing wrong. I’ll be there soon. Just keep talking to me.”

Kageyama makes a noise, and then there is yelling on the other side of the phone.

“I have to go.”

The line goes dead, and Oikawa yells frustratedly before throwing his phone across the car angrily.

The house wasn’t far, and it was a traditional layout. A pickup truck was parked in the driveway. Oikawa ran past it all and burst through the front door.

Kageyama’s dad stopped mid-swing and stood up.

Kageyama was quiet.

“Get the hell out of here, boy.” The tall imposing man growled at Oikawa. And Oikawa’s hands shake violently.

_Get your ass over here boy._

_I saw how you looked at that Iwaizumi kid. I WON’T RAISE A FAG!!!_

_You want to be gay? I’ll show you what that means._

Oikawa balls his hands into fists, letting his nails dig into his own skin. Slowly he comes back to himself. His breathing slowing.

_He wasn’t leaving_.

Oikawa moves quickly over to Kageyama. His concern laying only with the boy on the floor.

Surprisingly, the Man lets him. Though the smirk on his face speaks of pain to come. And Oikawa keeps one eye on him.

Oikawa shakes Kageyama lightly. “Come on baby,” Oikawa says gently,” Open your eyes.”

Kageyama let’s out a groan and squints open his eyes, “Tooru?”

“It’s okay,” Oikawa says quietly,” I’m not going to let him hurt you.”

“You don’t have a choice boy,” A loud footstep from his right causes Oikawa to spin, he stretches out an arm to block Kageyama from view. “Move or I will beat you too.”

The belt in the man’s hands sends an icy feeling down Oikawa’s spine. And he can hear his father’s voice in his head. Every part of Oikawa screams to move. To cry. To run. To hide. To give in. And maybe a few months ago he would have but-

A quiet whimper sounds from behind him, and Oikawa stands up.

“Then beat me,” He says darkly, “I’m not fucking moving.”

The belt flies towards his head catching Oikawa but surprise. But he still manages to grab it. The fist that flies at him does land. Oikawa groans as he falls to the ground in pain.

“I’ll give you another chance to move,” Kageyama’s father takes a step towards Oikawa.

_Oikawa wants to crawl away._

_He wants to leave._

_He is fucking terrified._

“I’m staying.” Oikawa says still in between Kageyama and his father.

“Oikawa-san,” Kageyama says quietly, “Please go.”

“No.”

The man’s glare hardens. And he tries to step around Oikawa, but Oikawa punches him, hard in the jaw. It doesn’t do much. The man is too drunk to notice it. But it irritates him.

“He’s worthless, not worth protecting,” Kageyama’s father spits.

Oikawa hears a broken sob from behind him.

“He’s worth everything to me,” Oikawa says glaring. “And I’m not moving. I won’t leave him. And I would die before leaving him with you.”

Oikawa watches as the man in front of him glares even more. Oikawa watches as the gun is drawn.

And every part of Oikawa screams to go.

_The sirens. The belt. The pain. The death. The screams. The tears._

_I don’t care, I’m not moving._

“I’ll shoot you.” Kageyama’s father is blocking the exit. And there is no way out of this. Oikawa hadn’t phoned the cops. He hadn’t been thinking straight.

But he wasn’t going to leave.

“I love him,” Oikawa says standing strong, “I’m not leaving.”

The gun fires, and pain blossoms through Oikawa’s chest. He can hear Kageyama panicking. He can feel the pain of their unfinished bond. He can hear voices.

Then he can hear nothing.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this typed up to post almost 2 hours ago but I wanted to see the cliffhanger work its magic for at least a moment. I wasn't going to post it till tomorrow. But one of my partners as told me that this was an evil thing to do so congrats. And thank 1sock2sock for keeping me in check.

Tooru had heard a lot about how annoying the heart monitor was when you woke up at the hospital. But nothing could have prepared him for the loud incessant and irritating beeping that seemed to echo even in his soul. Then there was the fucking lights that were way to fucking bright. And the damned disinfectant that was about ten steps away from being straight up ammonia.

Oikawa groans and turns his head away from the noise.

“Well look who’s up,” Iwaizumi’s voice cuts through the fog of Oikawa’s brain. “Sleeping Ugly.”

Oikawa squints open an eye and tries to glare at Iwaizumi, but he groans again.

“Yeah it might hurt a bit,” Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa can hear the smirk in his voice,” You’ve been out for close to a month. Though you’ve been in and out the past three days. Though you were drugged and out of it.”

Images start flashing through Oikawa’s mid and he sits upright in a panic. A groan passes through his lips as pain echoes through his torso.

“Relax,” Iwaizumi says,” Kageyama is fine. He’s been staying with Hinata since he was discharged. Though we would have to force him to go home at nights. He’s been hanging around here.”

Oikawa relaxes against the pillows. “What happened?”

“You got shot,” Iwaizumi deadpans.

“No shit,” Oikawa says irritated,” I meant after that.”

Iwaizumi sighs, “Well Kageyama won’t say much. But you were getting the shit kicked out of you when I busted the door down. You were already unconscious, and Kageyama was screaming at his dad to stop.”

“How’d you find us?” Oikawa asks, remembering how stupid he had been. Not telling anyone where he was going.

“I called,” The voice of Sugawara cuts through the room, “After you ran off by yourself, I decided I needed to call someone to collect you. Kenma got the address, and I had a hunch the only thing you would go running for would be Kageyama… How are you feeling?”

“Like hell,” Oikawa mutters.

“You look like hell too,” Ashley’s voice was a shock.

“Thanks,” Oikawa says rolling his eyes sarcastically, “Good to see you too.”

“I would think it would be good to see me,” Ashley says smirking,” Especially after I got us an A on our project.”

Oikawa’s eyes go wide, “Shit I am so- “

“Don’t apologize to the brat,” Niko steps out from behind Ashley, “Technically I wrote a note to your teacher, and I highly recommended the two of you be exempt from the project.”

Ashley rolls her eyes,” He was going to be indebted to me.”

Niko didn’t grace her soulmate with a response. Simply shooed her out of the room before stepping over to Oikawa.

“You weren’t showing up to sessions,” Niko said,” I got nervous enough I asked Ashley how you were doing. Sorry I know that’s like a breach of trust.”

Oikawa smiles. Pain starting to kick in a bit more,” It’s fine,” Oikawa mutters,” Sorry I missed sessions.”

“Sorry you got shot,” Niko says smiling slightly, “I heard you were quite brave. Standing up to someone like Kageyama’s father. Bet that took an awful lot of courage.”

Oikawa smiles weakly,” Couldn’t let him get hurt.”

There was some more chatting. There was laughing and joking. Then suddenly Hinata slams through the door.

“You have about 5 seconds before- “

Hinata is cut off by Kageyama bursting through the door, his arm in a sling. Faded bruising around his neck and face.

“We will leave you two to it,” Iwaizumi says quickly. Oikawa watches as Iwaizumi grabs Hinata and pulls the younger out of the room.

There was silence. Oikawa and Kageyama couldn’t quite meet each other’s eyes. Oikawa could feel the tension radiating off Kageyama in droves.

“You were so stupid,” Kageyama says. His voice was almost only a whisper.

“I did what I felt I had to- “

“Did that include almost dying,” Kageyama’s voice held conviction and power. And it stopped Oikawa short, “I was ready to die Tooru. I was ready to get killed. I knew that was always what was going to happen to me. I WASN’T READY TO WATCH YOU BLEED OUT!!!”

Kageyama’s eyes were full of anger and fear. His voice shook despite the power behind it. And Oikawa knew that the power was fake. He could poke at it once and Kageyama would crumble.

“I’m sorry- “

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why would you step in like that? Why would you save me like that? Don’t you know what I’ve done? I’m the whole reason my mom is dead! I’m a sin, and so I bring sickness down upon my family. So why?”

“You know why,” Oikawa mutters, “And you know I don’t believe any of that.”

Kageyama’s will falters, “Why would you run in without any backup? Why would you let yourself get shot?”

“Because even as every word your father said, brought visions of my own, I couldn’t stop thinking about our pillow fight. I couldn’t stop thinking about how happy you looked while we were baking together. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way you wrap your arms in legs around me like a damn koala. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wasn’t willing to lose any of that. Your dad and my dad can go fuck themselves.”

Oikawa watches as Kageyama stands there weakly. “It used to be so easy to believe my dad until you started dating me,” Kageyama says quietly, “Back then it had been less scary to die. But that night I was terrified. Going home from the cabin I was terrified. I don’t want to get hurt anymore, not by him.”

Kageyama finally steps within range of the bed, and Oikawa grabs him by the wrist, pulling him closer.

“I won’t let him hurt you anymore,” Oikawa says quietly.

“I won’t let him hurt me anymore,” Kageyama mumbles.

Kageyama kisses Oikawa softly on the lips. And for a brief moment Oikawa thinks he hears the cracking of a belt again in the background somewhere. Oikawa loops his fingers in the belt loops of Kageyama’s jeans and pulls the younger closer.

_Fuck off dad. I’m gay. And you aren’t changing that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be an epilogue <3


	21. Epilogue

Oikawa grunted sleepily as lips started kissing down his very naked chest.

“Tobio-chan,” Oikawa whined, yanking the other into a cuddling session, “You are insatiable.”

Breathy chuckles tickle Oikawa’s chest and Oikawa can feel amusement from over the bond. And then he can feel kisses being laid against his neck. And hair tickling his chin.

“Don’t you have practice this morning?” Oikawa glares.

“If I had practice,” Kageyama smirks,” So would you. And you gave us the day off as captain of the team.”

Oikawa rolls onto his back. Knocking Kageyama off onto the floor. An annoyed groan makes its way up from the floor.

“Asshole,” Kageyama mutters climbing into Oikawa’s lap happily. “I do like the change in position though.”

Kageyama grinds his hips down, and Oikawa glares at him. “Little shit,” Oikawa breathes out irritated, “Don’t start something you can’t finish.”

Kageyama rolls his eyes, “Who said I wouldn’t finish.”

Oikawa flips them so Kageyama was below him. He kisses the other setter passionately. Before whispering into Kageyama’s ear, “Me obviously.”

Oikawa stands up from the bed and walks into the bathroom happily. Humming a tune to himself.

“By the way,” Oikawa yells,” We are going out today.”

Oikawa doesn’t get a response, but he assumes Kageyama heard him because there is some sort of grunt.

Oikawa washes himself and does his hair, before sliding on his glasses. Smirking at himself in the mirror and exiting the bathroom.

“Not fair,” Kageyama mutters,” You can’t wear those after cockblocking.”

“It’s not my fault you have a glasses kink,” Oikawa mutters pulling on a nice pair of pants and a shirt. He pulls on a blazer right after. His hands checking the pocket for a very important item.

“It’s not a kink,” Kageyama says getting up and stretching. He smirks at Oikawa, before making a big show out of stretching his very naked body.

“You are being an especially big tease today,” Oikawa mutters, putting his phone in his pocket. “How about you hurry up and get dressed so we can go on our date.”

Kageyama mutters something before going into the bathroom and taking a shower. Oikawa picked out an outfit for the other college student. Placing it on the bed and exiting the room to feed their cat.

Twenty minutes later Kageyama bounds down the stairs, letting his hand glide across their felines back. Before grabbing Oikawa’s hand in his.

“So, where are we going?” Kageyama asks smirking.

Oikawa cursed when he met Kageyama’s eyes. The damned brat was wearing glasses. That was Oikawa’s trick.

“A place,” Oikawa says quietly.

Oikawa boards a train to Miagi with Kageyama. The two of them talk and laugh about classes and assignments. And occasionally they lull into a comfortable silence.

Though Oikawa fidgeted more and more as they got closer and closer.

Once in Miagi, Oikawa once again grabbed hold of Kageyama’s hand. And dragged the other along until they ended up on the roof of Aoba Johsai High School.

“Weird place for a date,” Kageyama mutters looking around.

“It’s where I used to have lunch,” Oikawa says leading Kageyama over to the iron bars that acted as a guard railing. “It’s also where I found out how to break a bond.”

Oikawa sees Kageyama tense slightly out of the corner of his eye. And Oikawa takes hold of his hand gently.

“I was a broken mess,” Oikawa says leading Kageyama out of the school and back down to the sidewalk. The two of them walked in silence stopping by different places. And each place holding a story.

_Where Oikawa had first propositioned Kageyama._

_Where Oikawa had first wanted to kiss him._

_Where Oikawa had held him first._

_Where Oikawa had admitted he had loved him first._

Somewhere along the way they ended up driving for a few hours, in a rental car, to a very familiar spot.

“And this is where I decided I couldn’t live without you,” Oikawa says peering over at a very stunned and confused Kageyama.

Kageyama glanced up at the cabin behind Oikawa. It was the same as it had been years prior.

“What is all this Tooru?”

Oikawa smirks slightly, before starting to speak, “Our journey started as a means to an end. But honestly, I found myself hoping that end never came. And now, I want to make sure it never does.”

Oikawa sinks down to one knee and nervously delivers the next lines.

“Will you marry me?”

There is a moment of stunned silence, before two arms wrap around his neck.

“Yes.”

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End file.
